Rowley Poly Bird

BBCSO Come and Play

2011-11-14T21:50:00.000Z

I had a brilliant, uplifting morning on Saturday at a BBC SO event called Come and Play, part of their symphony season.

They invited non-professional players to spend a morning in a workshop with members of the BBC SO on Dvořák's Symphony no. 9 (From the New World) or Tchaikovsky's Symphony no. 6. I was accepted into the morning (Dvořák) workshop, which was very exciting indeed! It's one of my favourites, and I felt like I might have a fighting chance of getting through it in one piece...

Nevertheless, I showed up duly at Maida Vale with no little trepidation, but that soon dissipated. Our 'flute helper' (the orchestra's co-principal flute) was delightful and remarkably patient with us, and the conductor's clear enthusiasm both for the music and the workshop was buoyant and contagious. I don't remember the last time I had so much fun and felt like I had absolutely nothing to be worried about or ashamed of. Even a small four-bar solo in the first flute part didn't (quite) defeat me the way that the simplest soli in band rehearsals can.

I don't know what it was about the morning that was so encouraging; a combination of everyone's enthusiasm and the frankly beautiful music. Whatever it was, I left Maida Vale more cheered and confident than I have been for ages. It's a cliche, but if you've been unemployed for a while then being invited to something special and being taken seriously makes such an enormous difference. Massive thumbs up all around, huge thanks to everyone at the BBC SO who made this possible for so many.

The Royal Parks Half Marathon

2011-10-13T14:36:00.000+01:00

I did it! I can't quite believe it, but I really did it!

My time wasn't on target, but when the time came I decided to take part against medical advice, so I was just pleased to cross the finishing line at all.

The Royal Parks Foundation Half Marathon is a really fun run in many ways; it passes through some of my favourite parts of London and the atmosphere is incredible. Supporters from all the charities stand and cheer everyone passing, and if they see a name on a shirt they give that person a particular cheer. Volunteers from the major charities represented (including Mind and Help a Capital Child) staff the water / Lucozade stations, and this year at around the 9th and 10th miles there were even some wise people offering sugar in the form of jelly sweets.

It really was the perfect first half marathon in many ways; more-or-less flat, good road surfaces, genuinely enthusiastic marshals and supporters, and a really gorgeous time of year. The day was warm enough that it felt hot to run in, but the leaf-fall and cool wind were refreshing.

I was exhausted by the end, but the support from everyone who has sponsored me, and the YouthNet volunteers, staff and service users who cheered me on before and during the race. YouthNet do sterling work, and have done for sixteen years. If running until my whole body aches is what it takes to keep them going, then so be it.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll do it again one day.

Pall Mall, nearly 6 miles in

Why I'm running 13.1 miles for YouthNet

2011-09-26T10:28:00.001+01:00

On the 9th October, I'm running the Royal Parks Foundation Half Marathon for young people's charity YouthNet. It's been a really difficult period of training - recently interrupted for weeks at a time by ill health - and I'm working really hard to do this.

In the grand scheme of things, I suppose not many people have heard of YouthNet, the charity that runs TheSite and Do-It, but they have an enormous, unseen impact. I started as a service user on TheSite ten years ago, so I feel like they've seen me through my awkward adolescence and out the other side.

I'm not going to claim to have had a terribly difficult life; I had a rough time with mental health difficulties as a teenager, which manifested in a number of different ways, but generally my family were supportive. I still needed somewhere more private and anonymous to talk and be listened to. A non-judgemental outlet is one of the most helpful things you can give to young people in these circumstances, and that is a huge part of the ethos of TheSite. The fact sheets present information without judgement, and the message board and live chat user communities provide a peer-support system that allows people to be anonymous and therefore more open than they would be among friends and family.

Back in 1996, when the charity was first forming, it was very difficult to find funding. The idea of a charity offering services entirely online seemed somewhat limited in the days of dial-up, and there were concerns about the sort of information children and young people might be able to access (predictably, early on the non-judgemental nature of the information TheSite.org provides has in the past riled the Daily Mail). Now, we can hardly imagine the world without the internet, and it seems obvious to me that young people who find it difficult to access support services turn to the internet for help. Indeed, TheSite.org appears in the top results on Google for issues such as unplanned pregnancy and self-harm. Online support isn't the be-all and end-all for big issues but it can be very helpful in sign-posting people to local services, and persuading them to seek help.

I'm hoping to start training as a chat moderator in the next few weeks, to help facilitate the live chats. These days, a lot of people come to the community through the live chats and it's inspiring to see how uplifting the community can be for people who are in real distress.

YouthNet makes a crucial difference, but as an online charity they go largely unnoticed by the wider community. As they celebrate their 16th birthday next month, they deserve wider recognition and I'm running all 13.1 miles of the Royal Parks Half Marathon for all the young people who need their support.

Please sponsor me £2 if you can!

Only skin deep?

2011-08-25T00:49:00.001+01:00

Image has been on my mind a lot lately.

If I'm honest, image is on my mind a lot, full stop. If I'm not fretting that my straighteners don't work in humid weather (grrrrr), I'm probably staring agonisingly at my wardrobe / make-up bag, wondering why nothing I own makes me look how I want to.

Actually, I'm even multi-tasking whilst I write this - touching up my roots with my favourite Superdrug blonde - the one that looks like banana-flavour penicillin when you mix it.

I was watching the lovely Ms. Cherry Healey on BBC3 the other day; Cherry's Body Dilemmas (and doesn't she look good in a corset?). I was fascinated by it. I don't suppose this is the place to go into my own particular quirks and insecurities, but I'm a mess of them. For all that the UK media is obsessed with our bodies and how we use and see them, it's actually quite unusual to see this level of frankness and diversity on mainstream telly.

The way we talk about our bodies is warped. It's all extremes and almost never rational. From the HateMail's Liz Jones and her anorexic obsessions to the constant railing against celebrities' wobbly bits and how fatties are eating the NHS out of house and home. The sad truth is that we just can't bear the sight of ourselves.

But what is most refreshing is to see someone who is thin, successful, beautiful, etc., facing up to her own self-consciousness with others without judgement. I admit it challenged my assumption that gorgeous people both know how they look and judge others harshly. I was particularly inspired by the beautiful, and stunningly dressed, Kirsty Lou and her blog. Whilst I cower in high street changing rooms sobbing over size labels, she makes her own clothes and refuses be conformed into someone else's body.

I was struck by her admission that she's suffered because of how she looks. It resonated with me. I've had people cross the street in London to tell me I should diet; they've taunted me from cars in Oxford at 7am and in the back streets of Edinburgh late at night. Friends have called me fat in public and looked astonished when I was upset by it. I even find myself justifying my weight to doctors who don't believe I exercise. I desperately want to take my feminista deconstruction kit to conformist body-shape standards but the truth is that all this just really bloody well hurts and it's too personal to try.

But in the mean time, brava Cherry, Kirsty et. al. for honesty without sentimentality or falsehoods. If telly makes a difference, this is what it looks like. And an honourable mention to Hadley Freeman of the Guardian for this piece which I heartily "hear, hear"-ed earlier this month.

It happens that today is also the fourth anniversary of the death of Sophie Lancaster, a young woman who was killed for her looks. I remember being devastated by the story when I first heard it, as I am by any form of hate crime. The senselessness of the loss of life - not just hers, but also the life her boyfriend and family had known with her in it. S.O.P.H.I.E. (Stamp Out Prejudice, Hatred and Intolerance Everywhere), the foundation her mother founded, is doing great things to teach children that image isn't everything. I wanted to share the video they released today, as further food for thought. We all judge people harshly for how they look; this is a stark reminder of what that culture of judgement does to the world we live in.

Running update: 6 months to go!

2011-04-13T10:38:00.001+01:00

So I'm just finishing the fourth week of training now and I'm not doing too badly.

I'm working on an intervals plan at the moment (based on Couch to 5k in 6 weeks), but the intervals are huge. (This week; 5 mins walk, 18 mins run, 2 mins walk, 18 mins run, 2 mins walk.) I'm doing well at it but unfortunately, the programme I'm working from now (the Fun Run app for BlackBerry) only goes up to 5k. I'm going to pick up the 10k plan from Running Made Easy, which uses much shorter intervals. I'll let you know how I get on with that.

At the end of week 4 I'm up to 3.6 miles (5.8km) and seriously considering entering the Penn Seven this year for Iain Rennie Hospice at Home.

This is not a church (stewardship: time)

2011-03-20T22:28:00.003Z

Preached at MCC North London, Camden Town, on Sunday 11th April 2010, Second Sunday of Easter.

This is not a church (stewardship: time)

This forms part of a five-part Lent series dealing with stewardship, focussing on time, tithe and talent.

Once again, apologies for the poor audio quality.

From 'The Little Prince' by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Born from above

2011-03-20T13:12:00.000Z

Preached at Trinity United Reform Church, Camden Town, on Sunday 20th March 2011, Second Sunday of Lent.

'Born from above'

John 3:1-17

With apologies for the poor sound quality, this was recorded on my phone because my dictaphone batteries ran out. If anyone knows of good freeware I can use to clean this up, let me know!

Run, run, run....

2011-03-05T10:09:00.001Z

So, here's a silly thing I did.

I have signed up to run* the Royal Parks Half Marathon in October for the fabulous YouthNet. They've been online since 1997 offering impartial advice and support to young people in Britain (primarily) and worldwide. I've made some good friends through volunteering for the Respect? campaign run with the British Youth Council and within the community of service users.

I wanted to run in the Penn 7 last year for the Ian Rennie Hospice at Home, and I would still like to raise funds for them in the future, but I wasn't well for a time and wasn't able to train for it.

There will be a team of us going - not all running for the same charity - and although I don't expect us to keep up the same pace all the way it will be nice to have people at the starting line.

I went for my first run this morning and whilst it was not great, I haven't run properly for about 2 years so I'm not despairing just yet. I plan to run at least 3 times a week during Lent - more if I can, as it's also the Easter vac - and keep working slowly up to my goal. It won't be easy, but I know running does my brain and body good and I do love a challenge!

Here is my fundraising page on JustGiving, I have pledged to raise £500 for YouthNet. If 200 people sponsor me £2.50, I'll get there.

*Or at least complete!

The curious case of Santana and Brittany

2011-02-28T23:12:00.006Z

So here’s the thing. I love Glee. I love Glee almost as love as I love Girlie (that’s quite a lot). I even love the auto-tuned voice of Gwyneth Paltrow covering Forget You.

There is only one thing (other than the appalling cover of Poker Face) that I find really hard about Glee at the moment, and that’s the relationship between Brittany and Santana.

Kurt’s sexuality was brilliantly and sensitively handled. From the moment he told Mercedes to this brilliant moment between his dad and Finn, there has been no question that this is a serious issue in his life that defines his adolescent experience. Particularly, in the recently broadcast episodes at the beginning of series two, his shocking experience with Karofsky’s internalised homophobia was bravely handled and the impact on his schooling was made explicit in a way that I don’t think I’ve seen on television before, on either side of the pond. Bravo!

But, on the other hand, Brittany and Santana are shown frequently making out (which is apparently "a nice break from all that scissoring") but in a way that I can't help but feel is designed to attract male viewers and their relationship is never explored in any detail. Even now Brittany is dating Artie, it seems that we’re supposed to believe that this could pass without comment. Brittany and Santana are both very sexualised characters – Brittany claims to have had every guy in school, and Santana almost talks of nothing else – but it still strikes me that Glee is buying into the idea that guys who like guys are definitely gay and do lots of soul-searching whereas girls who like girls are just sexy.

It seems a little misogynistic, from a show that's explored some really serious issues in an awesome way; I really hope it resolves.

The immorality of a culture of cuts

2011-02-18T13:39:00.000Z

I have never voted Conservative. Not even when I lived in London and Boris Johnson stood for mayor. Yes, he's quite funny on Have I Got News for You, but I seriously doubted he'd be much good for London.

My voting history is entirely confined to Lib Dems (most frequently), Greens (particularly in European elections when Caroline Lucas was my MEP) and Labour (Ken Livingstone, see above).

So that's where I was at before the last election. I voted Liberal Democrat in Islington, not seeing much of a viable alternative. Labour did some good things (Civil Partnership, for example) and some that I could never agree with (detention without charge, the war in Iraq, etc.). On balance, I didn't want to take the risk.

I will be the first to admit that voting Liberal Democrat was riskier still, but my expectations were naive. I believed it would be impossible for a Liberal-Conservative coalition to form (I know an oxymoron when I see one) and expected to see a Lib-Lab coalition with a strong Conservative opposition. I've always been a proponent of Proportional Representation as creating accountable coalition governments representing the true range of political opinions across the country. I do wonder if that's idealistic and naive, but one can't legislate for idiots and for all their faults I think the Lib Dems are chipping some small chunks off the traditional Conservative position (here and here, for example).

These concessions, however, almost pale into insignificance compared to the way in which the Conservatives are ploughing ahead with a destructive economic policy that not only appears to be bad for the economy but also potentially devastating to the poorest and most isolated members of British society.

Back in June 2010, 1 month after the election and immediately after the first budge, Joseph Stiglitz (Nobel economist) was predicting a chaotic economic fallout (The Independent). Stiglitz predicted the crash pretty accurately - the world ignored him at their peril - and it seems bizarre to me that 8 months later, his warnings are still going unheeded. Not only that, but the scale of the cuts appears to get steeper almost every day.

George Monbiot is best-known for his provocative work on climate change. Recently, he's been writing for the Guardian almost daily on government policy from the environment to the 'Big Society' and I was particularly intrigued by two articles in the past fortnight on tax reductions in business and 'naked short-selling' (not as exciting as it sounds). As I have said before, I am not an expert on economics, but the idea of naked short-selling sounds preposterous. It is widely-held to be true that speculation on false promises in the banking industry was a major factor in the 2007 crash (just look at the sub-headings in the Wikipedia article) and commentators from Andrew Ross Sorkin to Nouriel Roubini, 'Dr. Doom' blame speculative selling, and "irrational exuberance" in the time of plenty. With that in mind, what on earth is the treasury doing defending a dangerous practice in a time when it claims we can't afford to lose any more money?

There is no doubting that the Conservative party have always courted the wealthy, the financial elite and this is the logical explanation for continuing to support a practice that is illegal in the US, Japan, Hong Kong, Australia and Brazil.

All of which brings me to the savage cuts to the welfare state. I should say, these are not especially new in theory but the aggressive nature of them is. We are sold a story that the national debt is so dreadful we must accept that there will be sacrifices - like a family whose income is below their expenditure (hint, hint). I recall an article, but now can't locate it, in which suggesting that the way the Tories are handling the economy is akin to a household cutting down its expenses only works if the household is 3/4 occupied by a family with two cars sending their children to private school and the remaining quarter by a large family who have a lower-than-average income and send their children to state school. The way the cuts would work, in this household, would be to take the poorer family's one car away and leave the rich family with no impact at all. I believe this may have been on Johann Hari's blog, but I can't remember. If anyone can find me the link I will update this and everyone will benefit from a much neater analysis than my half-remembered abstract!

The point is this, if there are no tax cuts to individuals but apparently enormous tax breaks to business, and if the government goes on slashing the NHS and destroying Disability Living Allowance, or goes through with the Chancellor's ominous threat on Newsnight (10th Feb 2011) to cut benefits to anyone out of work, families and individuals across the UK will be devastated. There is a useful summary of the potential cuts here, from yesterday's Guardian.

As a Christian, I find all this to be profoundly immoral. The emphasis in the gospels - indeed, throughout the New Testament - seems to me to be on the message of inclusivity and equality. I'm not going to deny that there are individual verses that may dispute this but far and away the overriding message is summarised by

In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets. - Matthew 7:12

Jesus protected the innocent. He valued children, cured lepers and disabled people (which gave them access to society again), saved a woman from stoning. He raged against extortion, threw out money-lenders from the temple, and challenged authority. He also encouraged people to pay their dues in taxes alongside giving offerings to God.

As Christians, I believe we are called to pay our dues to society. We are called to feed the hungry, clothe the cold, heal the sick, visit the prisoners. We are called to do it in the name of Christ the Son and for the sake of human dignity and love. It does not preserve those on the fringes of society to cast them further out, nor to take away what little they depend on to live. It does not benefit society to allow free reign to the richest to acquire more wealth and then claim there is none left for the people with nothing. It makes me so angry that I want to cry. I feel helpless and devastated.

All we can do is keep calling for justice. I support the Robin Hood Tax campaign, and the excellent work of the Broken of Britain in their One Month Before Heartbreak blogswarm. We must stand up for ourselves. Attend organised protests, sign petitions, get involved. This government is not invincible, the work of 38 Degrees in cancelling the sale of our national forests shows that much. Nothing is inevitable.

One Month Before Heartbreak

2011-01-16T17:31:00.002Z

The UK Government is going to end its consultation on Disability Living Allowance (DLA) on the 14th February (4 weeks on Monday). The blog / campaign One Month Before Heartbreak (#ombh on Twitter) has been set up for people receiving DLA to tell their stories and raise awareness in the wider public of the potentially devastating impact these cuts will have.

I don't wish to fully share my story here. Many of you will know some of it, one or two know more. I receive a medium rate of care and I depend on it for a number of things. Important things, like food and prescriptions.

Please read this blog and pass the stories on, sign this petition and harass elected officials. Lives depend on it.

Theatreknit's Warm Winter Socks

2010-11-29T17:18:00.004Z

This pattern was donated as part of my campaign to get people knitting for a London homeless shelter. Thanks to Ravelry's Theatreknit. I have added links to knittinghelp.com in places where you might need extra intstructions.

Yarn: DK weight (sample knitted with Patons DK with wool)
Needles: 3.25mm

Loosely cast on 48sts. Divide over 3 double-pointed needles and join being careful not to twist the sts.
Work in K3 P1 rib for 7 inches (or preferred length)

Heel Flap:
Knit 24sts turn
Row 1: Sl1 purl to end
Row 2: Sl1 K1 repeat to end
Repeat rows 1 & 2 14 more times.

Shape Heel:
Row 1: K 14 sts, ssk, k1, turn.
Row 2: Sl 1, p5, p2tog, p1, turn.
Row 3: Sl1, k to one stitch before turning gap, ssk, k1, turn.
Row 4: Sl1, p to one stitch before turning gap, p2tog, p1, turn.
Repeat Rows 3 and 4 until all sts have been used
End on WS row with either p2 tog or p2 tog, p1.
14 sts on needle

Gusset:
1. Pick up 15 stitches knitwise down side 1 of the heel flap. Place a marker.
2. Rib across the 24 stitches from the cuff.
3. Place a marker, then pick up 15 stitches knitwise up side 2 of the heel flap.
You should have 68 stitches.

Now continue with the following 2 rounds, until 48 stitches remain:
1. Knit up to 3 stitches away from the first marker, then Knit 2 together, then Knit 1.
Slip the first marker, then Knit across until you reach the next marker.
Slip the second marker, then Knit 1, then S2K2tog, then knit to the end of the round.
2. Knit around.

When you have 48 stitches remaining, continue without decreasing until foot measures at least 8 inches (UK size 6) from back of heel. You can adjust the length at this point. The easiest way to work out a size is to ask a friend to measure their foot! For men, size 8 or 9 is ideal.

Toe
1. (Toe Decrease Round) K1, ssk, k to end of Needle 1; k to last 3 sts of Needle 2, k2tog, k1; k1, ssk,
k to end of Needle 3; k to last 3 sts of Needle 4, k2tog, k1. 4 sts decreased.
2. K around.

Repeat these 2 rounds until 20sts remain
Use Kitchener stitch to graft these stitches.

The safest of all occupations

2010-11-16T21:24:00.000Z

I was browsing the wonderful xkcd on 'random' today and I came across this:

I thought I'd double check and, as expected, the number of results for blogging accidents is now 17,100 but I have done diligent research and can confirm that this is because bloggers love xkcd and can't help referencing it at every opportunity. This is a relief, because I don't think I can be bothered to work out the %age increase represented by 17,098. It's a lot.*

Just to reassure myself further I ran a quick check on "died in a theology accident":

That's a relief!

So this confirms my plan for the rest of the evening:

Finish this blog post,
Continue researching the theology of John's Gospel,
Knit myself a hat,
Sleep

Sleep, I admit, is the most perilous of these tasks but on a quick, informal risk-benefit analysis the chances of me being a moody bitch tomorrow if I don't sleep are higher than the chances of me dying in my sleep tonight. I'm knocking on wood as I type this, of course, just in case...

*I know it would be easy to do the maths but I'm leaving it to the first smart-arse who decides to comment on this. Because, basically, I don't like maths.

Knitting for the Community of Camden Churches Cold Weather Shelter

2010-11-15T14:46:00.003Z

A challenge to all knitters: How many items of warm clothing can we give to homeless people in London this winter?

C4WS - the Community of Camden Churches Cold Weather Shelter - opens its doors every year from December to March to offer shelter, food and company to up to fifteen homeless guests every night (67 during the last winter). Our guests are of all ages, genders and backgrounds and last year, of the guests that actively engaged with the C4WS Welfare Worker, 96% were assisted in securing accommodation, returning home or moving in with friends.

This year we are asking for donations from an army of generous knitters. Some volunteers during the time we've been open have knitted warm clothing for our guests. This makes a real difference to them, because not only are they able to keep warm during the bitterly cold daytime (when we cannot open our doors), but they know someone has cared enough to give them a personal gift.

If you are able, we would ask you to knit an item of clothing (anything from socks to a sweater) but please bear in mind the following guidelines:

1) Please don't use fibres that cannot be treated roughly or washed in a normal cycle.
2) The guests of C4WS are very diverse, so please use neutral colours and styles.

Once you have made your item, please post them to the following address:

Jamie Hall, C4WS
Kings Cross Methodist Church
Crestfield Street
London
WC1H 8AT

We would ask you to please cover the cost of postage.

If there is anything left over at the end of the scheme, we intend to sell it to raise further funds for C4WS - nothing will be wasted.

All Saints Day

2010-11-01T09:26:00.007Z

Reflection written for MCC North London newsletter the week of 1st November 2010.

All Saints' Day fell on the Monday of this week, and we celebrated on Sunday. I took the opportunity to talk about the saints who are venerated around the world, particularly in Catholic traditions, and what we can learn from them, but I also feel strongly that since we are all called to live lives worthy of the Gospel we can learn as much from everyday people who have not been honoured as saints.

Take Rosa Parks, for example, since we are just reaching the end of Black History Month. All Ms. Parks did was sit down on the front seat of a bus in Montgomery, Alabama. She refused to give up her seat for a white person - who was no more entitled to it than she was, after all - and this simple act was the beginning of the end for racial segregation in the United States.

Closer to home, women who take the time to vote have to thank Emmeline Pankhurst for the privilege. But as well as her well-documented activism for women's rights, she was also influential in changing the work culture of some of the most deprived parts of the country at the end of the nineteenth century. She launched a parliamentary challenge to the right of factory owners to employ young children and pregnant women to do dangerous work, and she spent many years in her early life working to distribute food to those in Manchester with nothing to eat.

Or David Morley, a man who will not survive in the public consciousness, but who showed extraordinary courage. After being injured in the Soho nail bomb attack in 1999, he returned to work at the Admiral Duncan pub despite the injuries and losses he suffered at the scene. He died in an unprovoked attack in 2004 sparked by the same prejudice that had cost him so much only five years earlier.

I could go on for hours, because the truth is that for every prejudice that is breaking down there have been people standing up for justice who have allowed it to happen. Each of these remarkable individuals has been one of thousands, sometimes tens of thousands, of activists from all walks of life. We know that well in MCC and we are blessed to be part of a denomination that is proud to uphold the Gospel tradition of justice for all.

The Love of All the Saints

2010-10-31T21:00:00.000Z

Sermon given at MCC North London on the 31st October, 2010 for All Saints Day.

Most of you know, I have just moved to Oxford to start a post-graduate degree in theology. I’m studying in an Anglican seminary with a strong Catholic tradition, so it’s been something of a culture shock, to say the least!

In the past four weeks I have observed saints’ days, sung psalms – and worse, sung them in Latin – and I’m beginning to understand things that have never been part of my worship before. When I arrived here, I was slightly surprised to see a long list on the chapel noticeboard of the saints’ days and their observances. I’m a good child of the Reformation, I wasn’t sure I could cope…

Today is the Sunday before All Saints’ Day, which falls tomorrow, and something that I have found quite striking since I’ve been here is really how much there is to learn from the lives of the saints.

In the past month, there are Christians all over the world who have celebrated feast days including St. Theresa of Avila, Ss. Simon and Jude, St. Luke the Evangelist and my current favourite St. Frideswide, who is the patron saint both of the city and University of Oxford.

St. Simon and St. Jude – the patron saint of lost causes – were two of the twelve named apostles of Jesus. Very little has been written in the scriptures about either of them but tradition, through the extra-canonical ‘Acts of Simon and Jude’ has them as early missionaries throughout the Middle East. They would, like St. Paul, have travelled as peripatetic preachers and evangelists. They are venerated as the founding saints of the Armenian Apostolic church and were martyred at around the same time as St. Paul on the site that is now Beirut, in the Lebanon.

St. Frideswide – it’s a good Saxon name, if you wondered – was local to Oxford, and has become the patron saint of the city and its University. She founded a priory in the 8th century, which was destroyed by fire in the 11th century along with its chronicles, so the records of its early life are lost. I was rebuilt around 1122 and then was dissolved under the Reformation of Henry VIII in the 1520s. Tradition, and Anglo Saxon writings, say that she had taken a vow of chastity and entered holy orders, but was pursued by a local nobleman determined to marry her. She hid in a pigsty to escape him and was saved when he was struck blind (or possibly fell from his horse and broke his neck – sadly this was in the days before reliable BBC coverage). Either way, she went on to live according to her vows and to found Christ Church College, Oxford.

St. Teresa of Avila was a Carmelite nun in sixteenth century Spain. She joined a holy order having been fascinated from an early age with the religious life and fell grievously ill whilst cloistered. During her illness, which lasted for many years, she had increasingly vivid visions of the glory of heaven. In response to these visions, she became determined always to live out her faith and express her convictions through practical means. She made this resolution as a response what she – along with the Protestant reformers working throughout Europe – saw as the increasing corruption and indulgence in the Catholic Church. She withdrew into a new order which took seriously its vows of seclusion and poverty but also suffered serious persecution in a time of significant religious confusion. She eventually died, presumably of the illness she had suffered since she was a young woman, having devoted the last years of her life to travelling southern Spain founding new convents.

'Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.

'Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you will be filled.

'Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.

'Blessed are you when people hate you, and when they exclude you, revile you, and defame you on account of the Son of Man. Rejoice on that day and leap for joy, for surely your reward is great in heaven; for that is what their ancestors did to the prophets.'

Luke – whose life and work was also celebrated in a feast this month – records these as the words of Jesus to a large crowd of his disciples. Many of the people gathered there were asking for healing in body or spirit, some had already been healed, and all were listening raptly to the words of Jesus. There is no less diversity in reasons for seeking Jesus today than there were on that day in Judea (southern Israel) two millennia ago. The words he spoke to them then have comforted people throughout the centuries and inspired incredible works.

'Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. ‘Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you will be filled.

Blessed are you, who follow the example of Jesus Christ and his twelve apostles, the first Christian saints, including Simon and Jude, who left everything they had and followed him. Blessed is the person who goes without, who is impoverished for the sake of the Gospel or for their brothers and sisters in Christ.
And, because we should also take this at face value, blessed are you who are suffering poverty because of the actions of others.

'Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.'

Blessed are you who mourns for the state of the world, or you who has lost something you thought was your whole life. Blessed are you who are suffering in your mind and spirit, who are worn out by a world that seems to be so far from being the good it was created to be.

St. Teresa, as well as suffering from physical illness, suffered from crippling depressions at times in her life. She felt abandoned by God, and believed herself unworthy of God’s care. She spoke repeatedly of how desperately miserable this made her but later in life, true to the words of scripture, she found deep joy in a life of prayer, and reassurance in the love of God. She said,

"Mental prayer in my opinion is nothing else than an intimate sharing between friends; it means taking time frequently to be alone with him who we know loves us. The important thing is not to think much but to love much and so do that which best stirs you to love. Love is not great delight but desire to please God in everything … Prayer is an act of love, words are not needed. Even if sickness distracts from thoughts, all that is needed is the will to love."

St. Teresa of Avila, by Peter Paul Reubens, 1615
in the Kunsthistorisches Museum, image from Wikimedia Commons

'Blessed are you when people hate you, and when they exclude you, revile you, and defame you on account of the Son of Man. Rejoice on that day and leap for joy, for surely your reward is great in heaven; for that is what their ancestors did to the prophets.

One thing the saints seem to have in common is a triumph over adversity. They share this with the great prophets of the Old Testament – Elijah sulking under trees, Ezekiel exiled to Babylon, Job afflicted with sores and illnesses we cannot begin to imagine. The lives of these great people – whether they are recorded in Scripture or handed down through centuries of tradition – are an inspiration to all who hear them because they speak to an eternal truth and that truth is at the heart of the beatitudes.

What makes reading and learning about saints so wonderful is that, although they are exemplary, they are all human. They suffer illnesses of body, mind and spirit, just like we do. They face the difficult calling to live lives worthy of the God who created them, just like we do. And sometimes they get it wrong, just like we do. When Paul wrote his letter to the Ephesians, I don’t suppose he imagined a church culture where people are named saints and recognised annually for their contribution to the Christian life, but I don’t suppose he’d disapprove. When he congratulates the Ephesians on their love for all the saints, he is talking of their reverence for those who have walked in the way of Christ before them. He is acknowledging that within the body of Christ there are many individuals performing their own functions and living their own way, and we can all learn something from observing others.

When we commit to a Christian way of living we commit to a life of learning from experience. Just as we know from experience the truth from tonight’s Gospel reading that all things – the good and the bad – are transient and must not be taken for granted, so we learn from observing the lives of others how we are to respond to the changing circumstances of our lives. In the lives of the saints we see how to be generous when times are good, and humbly give to others. We see how to find courage and hope after a time of darkness. We learn how important it is to stay committed to God in word, thought and deed and in the sure and certain hope that God’s love endures forever.

I’ll leave you with a thought that is expressed in MCC churches throughout the world when we welcome new members into our congregation. When you meet someone new,

"remember that they will have as much to teach you as you will have to teach them."

Amen.

Week 0: Things I have learned

2010-10-10T15:12:00.003+01:00

Things I have learned about Oxford:

There is a different word for everything here. Fees are 'battels', Freshers' week is 'Week 0' or 'Noughth week', a PhD is a 'DPhil', etc.
You can be fined £50 for not wearing the correct academic dress - right down to your freshly laundered black socks - on certain occasions (including exams),
Blackwell's on Broad Street is amazing. It is now my joint-equal favourite bookshop alongside Waterstone's Gower Street (London),
The University of Cambridge was founded because of scholars dissenting from Oxford (rather like UCL from King's, I suppose),
Lectures are optional, and any student of the University can attend any lecture,
If you place the Examination Regulations book against a wall and hit the bottom of a wine bottle against it a few times, you can remove the cork without a corkscrew.

The Cloisters and the House
(from www.ssho.ox.ac.uk)

Things I have learned about St. Stephen's House,

The current buildings were originally the residence of a closed religious order called the Cowley* Fathers, there is a secret staircase to the street that was used by a doctor to avoid breaching the closed order, and the old mortuary is now the House computer room (it's still pretty chill in there),
The House has only been a full Permanent Private Hall of the University since 2004, and it remains the case that a large number of students are Anglican ordinands.
The Founders' Chapel in the roof has a mural in which the saints are apparently depicted with the faces of various former members of staff, and if the windows in the chapel are opened, "pigeons come in and crap everywhere and you have to get a man with a gun to shoot them".

I'm sure there was more said this week than that, it's amazing how quickly it deserts you! I'm really enjoying my time here so far, everyone is delightful and I think the structure of the days (based around prayer and mass services) is really lovely. It's nice to have a motivation to get up at 6:30am, so I can really get going with things. I'm hoping it will help to keep me on track with my studies. I haven't made it to evensong yet, because I'm nervous about singing the wrong tunes. That said, no one has minded yet that I keep making mistakes, thank God for the patience of the church and her clergy!

On that note, I already have work to be cracking on with. I'm looking forward to lectures starting for me on Tuesday, and have got several courses of lectures mapped out this term that I'm planning to attend. These range from the ones that will get me through my exams (Introductions to the Old and New Testaments, Christian Moral Reasoning, God, Christ and Salvation) through to the things that interest me (Religious Philosophy, Diversity in the Church). Whatever else happens, it's going to be a good year of learning.

*Cow in Cowley is pronounced like the animal, not so that it rhymes with Rowley!

Oxford calling

2010-09-10T09:16:00.002+01:00

So, I have come to the conclusion that many things in my life are overrated. For example,

working for a living,
paying bills,
renting a flat,
generally being a grown up.

There is an obvious solution to this, which is to go back to university, so that's what I plan to do. I got a place at the University of Oxford back in February to study for a Postgraduate Diploma (PGDip) in theology, and I leave for St. Stephen's House in about 3 weeks time.

So far, so terrifying, and that was before I got the Freshers' guide in the post. I haven't been a fresher for about 6 years, I'm not sure I know how! Freshers' week at UCL is a bit of haze of awkward conversation, slightly dodgy parties in the Windeyer Bar (RIP) and then in the weeks that followed, a lot more beer, some drunken fumblings in Popstarz (you know who you are and I'm very sorry) and finally the bizarre decision (after a lot of vodka) to stand for election as co-president of the LGB Society*. All of that is totally fine and normal if you're 18 but I have this funny feeling that most of the people at St. Stephen's are real adults, and some of them might even have managed to hold down a job outside retail. I'm just a bit nervous that I don't really know how to talk to new people unless they want to know where we keep books by Philippa Gregory (ground floor, left-hand side, general fiction, her new title is also on display next to the music store).

Admittedly, as much as I joke about pink hair and piercings, I don't really think I'm all that unconventional. I've lived in Camden for six years, I'm well aware that I would have to try an awful lot harder to be really shocking. But, nonetheless, I still get slightly surprised looks from people when I tell them what I want to do with my life - "What, like a priest? Doesn't anyone mind about your tattoo?" - and it makes me more nervous again. It doesn't help that my view of the Anglican community is coloured by the media obsession with women's consecration and the place of LGB people within the church, and so I assume that as a woman who identifies as gay I won't last five minutes.

None of this does any favours to the people I'll be studying with, of course, and the reality of living and working amongst people has taught me that to most people none of the surface issues really matter. Some of my closest friends and colleagues over the years have been very conservative and aside from the odd argument over a pint (of cola) about the precise role of the state in resolving the economic crisis, we get on just fine!

More to the point, of course, most people will be feeling exactly the same way. St. Stephen's is a community of about 60 students, but the guide only lists 15 continuing students. So I can't be too worried about walking in to a pre-existing clique because new faces will by far outweigh the old. Many of the new students will be in the same position as me, independent students coming to study either theology or education but not seeking ordination in the Anglican church. Even more encouragingly, there seems to be a real sense that as a small college everyone takes responsibility for the environment and for building a community. The weekdays start as early as 7:30am with meditation, followed by Morning Prayer and Mass, and at 3pm on a Monday there is a slot in the timetable for "group duties", which appear to include gardening and cleaning. I'm sure I'll come to dread that slot in time (chores have never been my strong point), but at the moment it just seems to stand for a sense of responsibility for, and pride in, the place we all live and work that has to be a good thing.

So, come Saturday 2nd October I'll be a student again. I have a lot to sort before I go and when I get there, so I'm sure the next few weeks will pass in a blur. Meanwhile, if you're in Oxford, please send me a message and say hello! Friendly faces are always appreciated and I'm so nervous that I won't know anyone!

*Now UCL Union LGBT Students' Network. How times change.

Sometimes an image change is no bad thing

2010-09-06T22:26:00.001+01:00

Pink hair! And a new hole for earrings.

Today I decided to do something new (or newish) and highlighted my hair pink. I have had pink hair before, as some of you will know, but since the age of 16 only once for a show. But then I was taking my friend Reuben (The Wife) to have his ears pierced and it seemed like a good time to finally get the second earrings I've been talking about for ages (probably also since the age of about 16, actually, I'm clearly regressing).

I've been informed (by The Wife) that I look like a cartoon character at the moment, and despite the fact I don't really know what they are we have concluded that I look like the pink one out of the Powerpuff Girls.

So, voilà. Pink highlights - check. Piercings - check. Book of Common Prayer - check. I think I'm ready for theological college!

The great I AM

2010-08-18T13:18:00.001+01:00

People are fond of seeing contradictions in the Bible, particularly in the ways that God is depicted. We see one God in the Old Testament - vengeful, demanding, jealous, quick to smite people who cause problems - and another in the New - loving, gracious, quick to reconcile to humanity. We put Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, automatically into this second category of aspects of God, we believe in Jesus as 'meek and mild', a lover not a fighter.

That's why the gospel reading we heard on Sunday (Luke 12:49-56) is so challenging; it puts Old Testament imagery into a New Testament context. In other words, this week's reading challenges the tendency we have to anthropomorphise God. People are generally pretty limited. We are contradictory, that's undoubted, but we are a mere 'image' of God, a reflection or a shadow, incapable of being as God is.

It is precisely because we are so limited that it is hard for us to comprehend how much more God is than we are. We try to use human language to describe the divine. We use words like 'loving', and understand them in the same way we would if we were to talk about other humans. We cannot ever comprehend how much love God has for the created world. So, too, when we talk about God as 'angry'. We can only understand so much anger at one time, before our perception is weakened and limited. And how much harder is it to truly understand the fact that God not only has the capacity for all the emotion we do, but can experience several at once in a way that the human mind finds contradictory?

And yet, to me, it seems that this is the very essence of God, one of the things that makes God divine and not human. St. Augustine of Hippo, as ever, had a lot to say on the subject. The core of his thinking, though is this; if the Trinity is indeed composed of three beings who are interdependent but also distinct, then it is possible for each of them to have attributes that are not part of the other. However, for the human mind to truly comprehend the depth and breadth of God as Trinity is impossible, we can but pray for enough understanding to get a glimpse of the truly awesome power and nature of God.

"We believe that Parent, Son and Holy Spirit are one God, maker and ruler of every creature, and that "Parent" is not "son", nor "Holy Spirit" "Parent" or "son"; but a trinity of mutually related persons, and a unity of equal essence. So let us attempt to understand this truth, praying that he who we wish to understand would help us in doing so, so that we can set out whatever we thus understand with such careful reverence so that nothing unworthy is said."

What he is saying here is that we should not be surprised to see what look like contradictions in the nature of God, because all things come from God and are of one of the beings of the Trinity. When we find a passage in the gospels that challenges our understanding of what Jesus the son is, we should draw near to God in prayer and ask for true understanding to allow us to speak of God's infinite nature.

Of all the names we use for God, the one I like the best is simply "I AM", because it reminds us that sometimes there is no need to describe God with human attributes, but simply to acknowledge that God is.

Rev.

2010-08-03T00:21:00.001+01:00

I totally love Rev. I have spent 6 weeks been somewhat hooked on it. It seems to tap into all the anxieties and stresses of being a Christian (never mind trying to be ordained).

There are so many things that just tap into the ordinariness of trying to be nice to people and wondering how on earth it's possible to be good at all when the odds are stacked against you. How do you manage to keep working for God when there's no money (to make the world go around) and no one else is interested.

But more than anything else, they've created a real person who just happens to be a vicar. Full of prayers, insights, inappropriate thoughts, a slightly irrational need for friends and a nicotine habit. Oh, and some very fetching green and gold vestments...

I have always loved the Vicar of Dibley, but it is outclassed by miles by Rev. My only slight fear is that I might turn out to be more like Nigel than Adam. I quite like the idea of the commandment to keep the sabbath as the most radical. Maybe that's my years of retail work talking, rather than a theological imperative.

Incidentally, this week's episode reminded me I haven't looked at Ship of Fools for a while, and whilst I was on there I came across this, which made me giggle.

Remembrance

2010-06-28T18:00:00.001+01:00

On Saturday, it was the tenth annual Transgender Day of Remembrance. Every 20th November we gather as a community to remember the trans men and women who have died as victims of hate crime.

Hate crime takes a number of forms. In its most extreme, it leads to murder. The murder of Ian Baynham in Trafalgar Square, or David Morley on the Embankment, or the brutal and unnecessary deaths at the Admiral Duncan pub ten years ago. But there are other things that happen that are dismissed. The people who call us names in the street, who make assumptions about others' gender identities and discriminate against them for it, even the people who were bullies at school. This is all hate crime, and it is all damaging.

When people die as a result of hate crime, it is not always because they are physically beaten by their persecutors. These mental beatings take their toll. It is estimated that 50% of young trans people attempt suicide at least once. In the LGBT community as a whole, rates of depression, self-harm and addiction are higher than in the general population. This is not a coincidence, nor is it because we are naturally disordered. It is because we face such discrimination on a daily basis.

And in that spirit, we should also remember the victims of bullying. It is anti-bullying week and we know that the victims of bullying today may be the suicide victims we are remembering tomorrow. A single act of bullying can be so devastating to a young person as to lead to all sorts of mental health and emotional problems later in life. Bullying is not normal, it is not a rite of passage, it is a devastating and life-changing thing to happen to someone. Sustained over a course of years it can destroy self-esteem and erode hope in someone's life.

The bullies will also suffer, those who torment others doubtless suffer countless torments themselves. The young woman of 18 who has been charged with the murder of Ian Baynham will never get her life back. She will forever be marked as "different" and probably even as "bad". Her life has been destroyed because she was never taught that it is wrong to persecute those who are different.

So this week, as well as praying for victims of transphobic hate crime and all forms of bullying, let us think about what we can do to make the world a better place. Report it when someone assaults you in the street, refuse to accept that "it's just a part of life". Do not let hate-speak go unchallenged, have the courage to correct people who make ignorant and hurtful remarks about what they cannot possibly understand. If you are in a position to do so, share your own story with a young person who will be given strength from it; maybe even write to your old school and tell them about your experiences. A few acts of harm can destroy a life, a few careful acts of kindness may rebuild someone.

We are all one body of Christ; it's time to look after each other.

More on the God Delusion

2010-06-27T10:32:00.002+01:00

Whilst I don't want to turn this into some kind of anti-Dawkins platform, a couple of interesting points have been raised about what I wrote last week that I think I should respond to, particularly as Wednesday's post was something of a knee-jerk reaction. I still maintain that my issue with Dawkins remains that he rails against extremism whilst channelling some of that into his own thoughts. I hope those who commented on Facebook won't mind me lifting quotes to give this some context.

I don't quite see how he has replicated other social prejudices. I also cannot see how it follows that Dawkins and other atheists are in anyway like religious extremists. I haven't read any atheist writings that condemn and call for violence against people of faith.

I don't think calling for violence is the only way to instill hate and prejudice in others. What if he were to say that being gay is against nature and those who believe it is not are irrational and unless they are challenged and choose to change their beliefs, the very fabric of our society is at risk. That doesn't wish death on anyone, but it is still hateful and damaging. Indeed, it is one of the beliefs that Dawkins identifies as harmful, and challenges.

I find his attitude to religion to be equivalent. If you single out one religion he talks about - Islam - the things he says truly are designed to polarise and to pit people against one another. He claims to want to wipe religion from the face of the earth. No, he doesn't resort to using the language of violence but that doesn't make it acceptable in my mind.

Moderate religious people compartmentalise their thinking - accepting science in one regard but reserving a special place for their faith. I think you are probably right insofar as Dawkins' takes his fight to the fundamentalists because moderates don't offer the 'culture war' that you could argue the new atheists are looking for. However, I also thinks moderates are overlooked by the new atheists because they have effectively marginalised themselves. If you are moderate enough to believe that faith is personal, that science offers a method for progressing human understanding and as such, religion has less of a place in society in terms of say making legislation then you are left with a group of the faithful that is essentially toothless.

It's interesting, though, that as I said above Dawkins flip-flops between wanting religion to have less influence and wanting to get rid of it altogether. And I also don't agree that most moderates are 'toothless'. They will certainly not be if Dawkins gets his way and faith is driven out of society. He would push people to have to fight for their right to a personal faith. Something that is protected by (amongst other things) the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Just as he insists that all religion, taken to its natural conclusion, leads to 'young men with bombs in rucksacks', it strikes me that if his brand of atheism was taken to a logical conclusion (and if it becomes de rigeur in politics) would drive faith underground or make everyone fight. That in turn would make it look as though he was right, it would become a vicious cycle that could even create further extremism.

The crux of the 'new atheist' argument is that as a basis for understanding the universe, science offers a method based on logic and reason. As you rightly recognise, science cannot falsify the existence of a God. However, from this empirical worldview there is also no reason to invoke a higher power to explain any natural phenomenon. The bottom line is, whatever one might argue, science is irreconcilable with religion because in order to accept the tenements of any faith, one must put aside what is known about the laws of physics, biology and the universe and one must ignore the illogic that arises as a result of invoking a creator to explain its existence. Please understand that I am not attacking religious people here, I simply think that you have to accept that there has to be some suspension of reason in order to have faith.

But just as there is always an element of "who created the creator" inherent in religious philosophy, there will always be unanswered questions in science. What caused the big bang (and what if the LHC doesn't find out)? There is no reason to invoke God to fill the gaps, I agree. But Dawkins only ever challenges this 'God of the gaps' theology, and it is not the only thing that draws people into faith. I don't want to believe in a god who is diminished by science, or can only exist where science can't answer our questions. I am happy for there to be things I don't understand. Sometimes faith comes from a place that just can't be explained itself. Pascal (an agnostic) used to talk about there being a 'God-shaped hole' in all of us. There is a human instinct to faith, and maybe it does involve a suspension of purely scientific thinking, but until a couple of years ago it required a suspension of scientific fact to observe a bee flying!

It involves a suspension of science and rationality to enter into a monogamous relationship, to use birth control and have sex for pleasure. Love cannot be empirically measured, laughter can't be adequately distilled into chemical processes. We don't understand the human mind; science can see chemical changes occur in the brain of someone with persistent neuroses or psychoses, so why is it not enough to correct those chemical changes to restore a person to how they were without those neuroses?

We suspend reason in order to live to the fullest. Religion is not the root of all evil, science is not the cure. Religion can be used, shamefully, as a whip to drive people to do all sorts of things. But it's humanity that does that. Yes, there are arguments and turns of phrase that are emotive and are consistently used to draw people into extremist views, but politics can do that as well. Political Islam draws heavily on communist political philosophy (read The Islamist by Ed Husain to explain this more fully), and some parts of Christianity frequently embrace politically motivated 'scientific' studies to support their views on alternative sexualities.

We are flawed human beings. I can't explain through my faith why we aren't perfect, and neither can a scientist. We came to be this way through millennia of biological, social and psychological evolution. In so many ways, we suspend reason just by being.

This debate could keep going forever, there have been arguments against creationism for as long as there has been a capacity for human thought, so I'll leave it there.

The God Delusion on Channel 4

2010-06-23T00:37:00.001+01:00

I will try to keep this as far from a rant as I can. I'm watching Richard Dawkins on 4OD in a series called 'The Root of all Evil?', and it is fascinating.

I do have a problem with Dawkins, and I should confess that now, but my problem is not that he is an atheist; rather, it is that he sees things in very black and white terms. He views all religious experiences as being 'the first step to young men with bombs in rucksacks' and says that 'even so-called moderate believers are part of the same religious fabric [as Osama bin-Laden and the taleban]', and that all with faith 'encourage unreason as a virtue'.

The problem is that this view is so distorted that I wonder if he would recognise a 'so-called moderate' if he fell over one. You know, Professor Dawkins, there are some of us who agree with you that the world is over 4 billion years old, and that evolution is indisputable scientific fact.

In fact, I would go even further than that. I know many Christians who positively thrive on the scientific method in their theology. To be more accurate, I suppose I mean the Socratic method (one cannot, obviously, test philosophical and theological reasoning in a lab). Like Dawkins, I love the times when other people from my academic discipline are able to come together to argue, debate and maybe even change one another's views. This tradition, although I called it Socratic, is also a very important part of Jewish tradition. Christianity and Judaism thrive on debate, discussion and the idea that the Word of God is both unchanging and of constant relevance.

Richard Dawkins does say, in fairness to him, that he doesn't hate anyone. I'm not sure this is borne out by the bigoted language he uses. I find it is frequently offensive, and if he were to talk that way about any other group in society it would be considered so and not aired. However, I am glad he is able to broadcast and to talk. I am glad that he challenges fundamentalism where it becomes dangerous, but I worry that he doesn't see a difference between 'death cults of suicide bombers' and the average church, mosque, or synagogue attendee.

I don't pretend to know everything. I have deep questions about the world that my faith can't answer. Science isn't there to fill the gaps in my knowledge of God, and God isn't there to fill the gaps in my scientific knowledge.

I hope I have been able to communicate that I don't disagree with him on everything, but I feel like Dawkins uses poor methodology to research his atheist work. He refers only to the extremes, never to the religious folk who might actually agree with him on some parts of his research. I find it telling that he doesn't talk to someone like Karen Armstrong, a former nun and expert on the semitic/Abrahamic faiths, or Richard Holloway, formerly Bishop of Edinburgh and both a relativist and a moderate. Is he too scared that he can't challenge the middle ground?

Review: Kit and the Widow

2010-06-17T00:15:00.002+01:00

Kit and the Widow were playing the Hampstead Theatre tonight, so I went along with my sister, her fiancé and a couple of my friends.

As ever, totally sidesplitting. Although there always moments when I find the humour crosses boundaries for me (the Romany Caprice, for example, if anyone knows it), but you can't help laughing (albeit guiltily).

Kit's interpretation of The Flight of the Bumblebee ("The Vol du Bourdon, or Who Stole my Chocolate Biscuit?") was a highlight, as was a new song about the sex lives of the Lib Dems and White Van Man, which is not new but is new to me.

We also had the pleasure of meeting them briefly after the performance, and had a quick chat with The Widow, who recognised us ("Oh, good Lord, it's the whole of the front row!"). Tori's fiancé is albino is sure that he managed to throw The Widow off slightly, because when he was bantering with the audience he decided to pick on the person on the end of the front row and then seemed to pull a face that said "oh, no, what can I say that's not offensive about the albino man?!". Lovely.

For the uninitiated, here are a couple of verses from a song about Obama that may, sadly, soon be outmoded.

Life in General

2010-06-13T01:14:00.000+01:00

So I didn't leave my job, but I did have to take a significant cut in hours (and, therefore, pay).

However, I have been offered a place at the University of Oxford to study for a Post-graduate Diploma in Theology (PGDip), starting in October! So I'm very excited; looking forward to getting my teeth into some study again. I'm sure it'll be the bane of my life once I start, but right now the idea of being back in an academic library and being full-time curious is just too exciting!

I will be sad to leave my job, and certainly to leave London after six years, but it seems like the right time. My health's not been great lately, but I'm trying to see Oxford as an opportunity to get better, and not to see my health as a reason to put off the course I really want to do.

Vincent, the Doctor and me

2010-06-07T00:59:00.002+01:00

The Starry Night (June 1889). Oil on canvas.

This week's Doctor Who fascinated me. Vincent van Gogh has always intrigued me, of course, because his legacy has always been as much to do with his mental health as it has his work.

And I loved that this formed a pivotal plot-point; that there was never a possibility of watering down his deep depressions.

For a start, it has made me want to read more about him both as a man and an artist. I assume a lot of research went into his speeches, and that is wonderful. I found myself looking at paintings that I had never thought to consider before.

I may have a degree that (nominally) included some art history, but I was all about the imagery - politics is everything in my art-brain. I love hearing people talk about art, though, and about how it is achieved. I read Noes from an Exhibition by Patrick Gale a couple of years ago, and loved the way he talks about his artist's use of colour. The protagonist is a female artist who suffers from bi-polar disorder (also, somewhat erroneously, known as 'manic depression'). Her art is abstract, the sort of thing that I once dismissed as "stuff a four-year-old could paint" when I visited the Guggenheim in Bilbao.

Then I read Patrick Gale's description of colour, and how it is achieved, and began to think differently. Look at the sky. If you're like me, and don't really have a brain for painting, it's usually blue, pink or grey. I had never seen the green underneath the blue, or the purple in the grey. Colour was flat, except in variegated yarn...

And then, last February, my friend Clinton took me to see Rothko at the Tate Modern in London. I was totally indulging him, I thought; maintaining that I 'don't understand' modern art and can't respond to the abstract. But I was blown away by the sheer size and scale of the work, and the gorgeous depth. I won't pretend that I understand what happened in my mind when I looked at it, but there were some canvasses that I was so captured by that I couldn't take my eyes off them. I remember this one, in particular;

Black on Maroon (1959), Oil on Canvas

I can't tell you what it was about it that I loved. I remember saying to Clinton that it evoked a sense of the trinity in me. Something about the infinite colours appearing as just three; the way in which it is one construction in which three elements are apparent but the whole spectrum is present. It was complicated, and somehow moving.

I don't know anything about Mark Rothko, not really, except that he was active in the 1950s and painted abstract canvasses. So only as much as I have already told you! But that painting made me feel like I knew something of his mind. It's daft, of course, to claim to know the mind of one you can't ever meet, so I imagine that what I felt was something more innate, more inherently human. Not a unique sensation that can only be imparted by the work of one individual, but a shared sense of wonder and then of sadness. Not sadness in the depression sense; that is something very different in my mind. No, this was a melancholy sense that things will never be complete. A knowledge that I will never know the mind that created the image before me, nor the true complexity of the process by which it was borne out. It was a philosophical sadness, that the true nature of the universe cannot be revealed in this lifetime.

All of this came flooding back to me when I considered the scenes in the Musée d'Orsay. That way in which we respond to art so instinctively. We formulate complex ideas on the outworkings of someone else's imagination, and we form them in seconds, although we can never truly know the mind of the artist.

And I agree with the assessment of the writers; that van Gogh did not betray his illness through his work. I don't feel darkness when I look at his work; even the later paintings like The Starry Night, which are full of dark colour, don't make me feel sad or empty. The focus is an overlooked beauty. The beauty of a truly starry night when the wonders of creation are revealed. There is no way to look at The Starry Night and see only darkness. Indeed, one is more likely to see only light.

But this ability to see beauty, and experience joy, does not diminish the capacity of the brain to harm. Just as the body has its mechanisms for keeping us stable (the process GCSE students call 'homeostasis'), so does the brain. Just as the other organs in our bodies can go wrong, so the brain can go wrong; and it can have a real impact on your emotional stability.

I feel like it's a risk for me to admit to this, but I expect a lot of other people felt the same; I really identified with the pure fear that was in the character of Vincent when he thought he was going to lose Amy and the Doctor. I have been scared at what might happen if my friends leave, or change, or both. I have told people I can't cope without them, and I have thrown myself face-down on my bed and wept at the thought that they might not come back. But that has not prevented me, like our fictionalised Vincent, from sometimes managing to take a deep breath and carry on. Like another great man presented this series, Winston Churchill, I "Keep Buggering On" when the world and my emotions want me to stop.

Now, I will never produce the wonderful art that van Gogh, Tchaikovsky, Sylvia Plath or Virginia Wolf created from their depressions. But I hope I can learn to at least understand and try to explain my own mind, such as it is. I hope, with God's help, I can channel all that bad stuff into something good. At the very least, I have promised myself that I will do my bit to challenge the stigma of mental illness. Because, damnit, poor mental health doesn't have to be validated or explained by genius. Just as there are people on the autistic spectrum who are not savant and there are deaf people who cannot craft a symphony like Beethoven, so there are people with depression who are not creative in that way.

So it is thanks to people like van Gogh and Virginia Woolf that I can expect people to have some understanding of what it is like to live in this brain and this illness of mine. It won't be clear to everyone - maybe you wonder what sort of pretentious garbage this all is, anyway? - but I can identify myself in them and remember that you do not have to be healthy to make a difference in this world, as long as you have hope.

"Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still;
perhaps they never will."

Love is an Orientation

2010-06-04T23:55:00.002+01:00

I haven't yet read the book Love is an Orientation, but I have seen a lot of it around; particularly as a recommended companion to Living it Out. But I happened to be searching for a Billy Graham quote, and it came up with this interview with the author.

Firstly, this pretty much confirmed what I had read about the book; that it is very much from the perspective you would expect of a straight, evangelical Christian, but comes to a conclusion that is graceful and loving.

Blogs I like

2010-05-30T13:46:00.000+01:00

I haven't done this for a while, so I thought I would link you to people who blog interesting things and are lovely.

Here's a few for starters (in no particular order);

Fashion Launderette is my cousin Milly's blog. Here she tells everyone in the world how she manages to look so fabulous so much of the time...

Miss Hilton Ink is Milly's equally fabulous and talented sister, who is a brilliant artist and works caring for young people with autism and other challenging behaviour. (I think the creative traits must be on the Hilton side, my sister picked them up but I didn't so much!)

NOLA Noodlings is the Big Easy MCC's blog live from New Orleans, Louisiana by the lovely Pastor Clinton.

Through Myself and Back Again is a life-in-general blog by a friend of mine, who tweets and is visible on Ouch as @lilwatchergirl, and is a research student working on disability and inclusivity in Christianity.

27% is The Girl-belonging-to-lilwatchergirl's blog about how she deals with her father's illness.

Two Mummies are Better Than None is Louise's blog about how she and C. are navigating the stormy seas of the UK adoption process as a gay couple.

At the YLGC meeting yesterday, we talked about the importance of sharing experiences, so I hope that my sharing others' here is interesting to you.

An email to a young Christian

2010-05-17T23:59:00.002+01:00

I am part of YLGC - Young LGBT Christians - and involved in co-ordinating some of the activities of the group. We received an email from a Christian studying the relationship between Christianity and homosexuality for a school project and asking how we reached the conclusion that we could live as openly gay Christians. This is an email I sent in response.

Hi,

I think you might get a couple of replies from members of YLGC, as we thought that we wouldn't be able to give 'standard' answers to your questions. I do think it's fantastic that you've been given the opportunity to explore this at school.

From my perspective, I think the easiest thing I can do is to try to explain a little about who I am, and how I came to the views I hold today. I'll try not to bore you with my life story, though!

I'm 24, live in London and I have an archaeology degree from UCL in London. I spent a year working for the students' union after I graduated and now work for Waterstone's in the history department of a university branch. I'm also student clergy in the United Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches, based at MCC North London, and I've been accepted to Oxford University to study for a Postgraduate Diploma in Theology starting in October. I'm also in a relationship with a woman; we've been together for three months and are monogamous.

When I was young, until I was five, my family attended church. Mum was raised a Christian, but we stopped going when we moved house. I don't remember much from that time, other than how to make a palm tree from a roll of newspaper!

Other than six months or so going to school with a friend when I was ten, I didn't really have much to do with church from then onwards. It wasn't until I was fifteen, and had begun to realise that I was gay, that a school friend invited me to attend a youth event at her church. I was looking for friends, and a community, more than I was looking for God but I guess we often get more than we bargain for in this life!

I kept going along to the youth group for a few months. Sometimes the discussions made me uncomfortable, but on the whole I enjoyed the company. After a while, I decided I should make a decision about my beliefs before I committed to the group. One Sunday I went to the evening service before the youth group meeting. I don't remember what the sermon was about, honestly, or who was preaching, but I left feeling convinced. As conversion stories go, it's not dramatic, I know.

But this was complicated by the fact that I had come out to a couple of my friends at church and I found it very hard to reconcile the church's teachings on sexuality with my own views. Their teachings on homosexuality centred around a literal interpretation of a few verses (with which I'm sure you're familiar) to say that God's view of human sexuality is limited to one man and one woman. Of course, this view of sexual ethics does extend beyond homosexuality, to also forbid heterosexual sexual activity outside marriage.

I always felt instinctively that this didn't reflect my experience or knowledge of God, and did a great deal of reading around the subject at the time. I spent a lot of time feeling torn between my own, increasingly liberal, view and that of my church.

Essentially what changed my mind was based on how I felt God in my own life. I heard a sermon preached recently in which the preacher said that the Bible is not so much a rule book as a book of stories of how God works in people's lives. It's something that I have always loved about the Bible, the fact that it is full of some truly weird and wonderful characters and all of human life and experience is there.

However, if you read these stories, you will not find a preponderance of heterosexual, monogamous couples. There is only one couple which fit in with our modern idealised view of married relationship, and that is Adam and Eve. King David had several wives, and appears to have had a romantic relationship with Jonathan (see, for example, 1 Samuel 18). The words of the Christian marriage were spoken by one woman to another, as Ruth committed to travel with and care for her mother-in law (Ruth 1, especially verses 16-17).

And then there was the instinct, which you allude to in your letter, that if God created all things and saw that it was good, God also created all the facets of human nature. This points to a very deep and complex question about those aspects of our nature that are dark and seem to draw us away from God, and I don't presume that I can answer that. However, what we can do is look into ourselves and ask which are those darker aspects. For me, they are the things in us which have the capacity to hurt others. Sin is what separates us from God; almost exclusively sin is that which is disrespectful to God by causing pain to God's creation either by hurting or denying ourselves or others. In my mind, therefore, the act of loving another person is not and cannot be sinful.

It was for that reason that I eventually decided that I could not be part of a church that chose to deny me the opportunity for loving relationship with others. When I arrived in London to study, I spent a lot of time visiting churches and found myself unable to make a church that condemned gay people my home. Of course, there are always many things to consider when choosing a new church and this was by no means the only factor in my decision, but if I felt I could not be open about my identity and my relationships I would leave.

That was how I eventually came to MCC North London. I stayed because it was the single most welcoming church I had ever had the pleasure to visit, and because I realised that MCC changes lives. Organisations like MCC, YLGC and the Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement (LGCM) have helped countless Christians come to a renewed faith in a God who loves them just as they were made, in God's image.

I realise I have barely scratched the surface of the many and complex issues that come up when human sexuality is discussed in a Christian context, but if I were to try and cover everything I'm sure that (a) I would fail, and (b) I would bore you! I would recommend a couple of books as further reading, though.

Living it Out was published last November. The authors both used to attend YLGC, and so most of the contributors have some connection to YLGC. Using the voices of over fifty Christians who have wrestled with some of the issues you are discovering in the course of your project, they have compiled a book that looks at the ways in which people live Christian lives as LGB people or their friends and allies. What I particularly love about Living it Out is the emphasis on the reality that there is no one way to be a gay Christian. In fact, there are as many ways to live as a gay or bisexual Christian as there are gay or bisexual Christians! (Incidentally, the reviews on Amazon are themselves interesting). Living it Out also has a website, www.livingitout.com.

In the Eye of the Storm deals with one of the more visible issues of recent years; that of gay bishops in the Anglican Communion. It is Gene Robinson's theology and life story and is well worth a look. You can also find a talk by him on the website for Greenbelt, a Christian arts festival.

Of the wide range of academic resources available, my favourite is the Blackwell readings in Theology and Sexuality, particularly Rowan Williams' excellent article: The Body's Grace, a copy of which can be found here.

It is also worth reading the story of a group called Courage; their ministry was originally to cure gay and lesbian people, but they are now an out-and-proud group of Christians and the story of how they reached that point is truly amazing.

I feel I have gone on for too long, so I shall leave it there. I hope I have answered your questions to a certain extent. Feel free, if you would like, to follow up and to ask more questions. I do not have all the answers, but I think we are called as Christians to challenge ourselves and listen to the challenges of others.

Good luck with your project. It's wonderful that you're doing this and I hope it is a real journey for you, whatever you decide in your own life and faith.

With very best wishes,
Kate

Why vote?

2010-04-25T11:49:00.000+01:00

I am usually pretty evangelical about elections. I do, firmly, believe that everyone in the country has a duty to vote and my friends know I'm not afraid to say so. In my mind, it is not only a civil responsibility; a general election does, after all, affect the lives of everyone in this country, so it is an important part of caring for others to engage with the process.

For me, deciding who to vote for is very much a process of discernment and prayer. If you believe, as I do, that it is our responsibility to care for one another and to provide to the best of our abilities, then who to vote for is of the utmost importance. What matters more, taxing higher earners to pay for the NHS or cutting NHS funding in an attempt to restore the economy? Who would you protect, corporations or small businesses? Is being green more important than being wealthy? None of these questions can be taken out of the context of a faith in Christ, which is our compass and guide through the world of politics.

That is not to say that all Christians will vote the same way; far from it, and I hardly expect any of the Christians I know to vote for the Christian Party, because even they do not espouse my values. Nor do I believe that it is important for the leader of the country to be Christian; belief in the right of each human being to have a fair chance in life is not exclusive to Christianity. We cannot, and must not, claim to be the only people who can speak and act the word of God.

So however you vote on May 6th, do vote. And vote prayerfully and thoughtfully. People's futures are in your hands.

It shouldn't influence your vote, of course, but in case anyone wondered...

A new knitting project

2010-04-17T13:30:00.002+01:00

Unfortunately, the acrylic I bought for my Sweetheart sweater feels nasty as a fabric, so that's on hold until I can afford some decent yarn.

So, behold the next project, for The Wife's birthday; Mangyle from the wonderful knitty.com. I'm doing the gold in a dusky pink, but otherwise I've chosen similar colours of Stylecraft Life (Ravelry link for knitters).

Wish me luck!

Photo: Sarah Sumner-Eisenbraun on knitty.com

Life in General

2010-04-15T13:36:00.017+01:00

Just an update on how I've been recently.

I'm leaving my job on May 22nd (eek!); it was a fixed-term position so I did know it was coming, but nonetheless I'm quite worried about finding another one.

I've been a little bit ill lately, as well, so I'm worried about what my absence record will look like.

At the moment, I suppose I'm mostly just lucky to have awesome friends who have stuck by me. Long may it last; I hope they (you, if you're reading this) understand that there are times when I'm not sure I'd cope without them. That's not additional pressure, it's a statement of fact. Just knowing they're there and that they give a crap is enough.

*cheesy American accent* I love you guys

How to Walk Through Walls - 2 sermons

2010-04-11T22:22:00.003+01:00

Le Passe-Muraille - The Man Who Could Walk Through Walls - Montmartre, Paris

Two sermons for the price of 1! Both preached on the same day, from the same notes, but it's interesting to me that they're quite different.

Preached at Trinity United Reform Church, Camden Town, on Sunday 11th April 2010, Second Sunday of Easter.

Preached at MCC North London, Camden Town, on Sunday 11th April 2010, Second Sunday of Easter.

John 20:19-31

When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and the doors of the house where the disciples had met were locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you."

After he said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord. Jesus said to them again, "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you."

When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained."

But Thomas (who was called the Twin), one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord." But he said to them, "Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe."

A week later his disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you." Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe." Thomas answered him, "My Lord and my God!"

Jesus said to him, "Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe."

Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book. But these are written so that you may come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have life in his name.

Acts 5:27-32

When they had brought them, they had them stand before the council. The high priest questioned them, saying, "We gave you strict orders not to teach in this name, yet here you have filled Jerusalem with your teaching and you are determined to bring this man's blood on us."

But Peter and the apostles answered, "We must obey God rather than any human authority. The God of our ancestors raised up Jesus, whom you had killed by hanging him on a tree. God exalted him at his right hand as Leader and Savior that he might give repentance to Israel and forgiveness of sins. And we are witnesses to these things, and so is the Holy Spirit whom God has given to those who obey him."

Palm Sunday

2010-03-25T11:24:00.000Z

Originally published as a reflection in the MCC North London newsletter, 25th March 2010

As he was now approaching the path down from the Mount of Olives, the whole multitude of the disciples began to praise God joyfully with a loud voice for all the deeds of power that they had seen, saying, "Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord! Peace in heaven, and glory in the highest heaven! - Luke 19:37-38

Throughout Lent we have been looking at what it means to follow Jesus and asking, what are we prepared to do for him? This week, as we head into Palm Sunday and Holy Week, we have the opportunity to follow Jesus in triumph in his final entry into Jerusalem.
This was the pinnacle of Jesus' ministry, the paradoxical moment at which his followers were rejoicing in his arrival and he was beginning to prepare for his betrayal and violent departure. To follow him at this moment, to be walking with him as his followers were spreading their cloaks out for him in the road, waving palms, shouting and praising God, must have been the most incredible privilege. For a group of poor men from small towns outside Jerusalem to be greeted like that in the holy city itself, I can't imagine how that must have felt.

It would have been a moment when it was easy to follow Jesus, when there was reflected glory to bathe in, when the disciples felt like the most important men in the world. All Jesus' followers in the city - men, women and children, from all social classes - at that moment really committed to Jesus. They were a strong group with faith; strong enough to put the wind up the Pharisees.
And so it was the turning point in the Pharisees' attitude to Jesus. They realised that he had a strong and loyal band of followers; they were scared that he threatened their monopoly on religious teaching in the city, they were scared of losing their power and influence in Jewish society. This was the moment when a group of Pharisees decided it was time to approach Herod and Pilate and tell them that Jesus was leading a band of rebels, that he threatened the stability of Roman rule in Palestine and that their only option was to arrest him as a dangerous revolutionary.

There is no doubt in my mind that the Pharisees really believed that Jesus was dangerous, and I know his teachings were revolutionary. We are blessed that they did not succeed in stifling Jesus' message, nor in halting the spread of his name across the empire, but for a time it must have looked like they had succeeded.

In one short week, Jesus went from entering Jerusalem in triumph to being arrested, sentenced and publicly executed. In one short week, the followers who were so committed to him on Sunday had disappeared by Friday. They were prepared to follow him in times of joy, but were too scared to stand beside him and share the burden of his punishment. Judas betrayed him, Peter denied him, many more withdrew and pretended he had never been their leader. People felt let down, they couldn't see past the arrest and execution to realise that Jesus was still the Messiah and their saviour. Jesus knew this, and knew that he was alone on his final walk that Friday, There were people following, and mourning, but they no longer felt like his disciples - his pupils - they were weeping for their loss, for their mistaken faith in a man who was fallible. 'Jesus turned and said to them, "Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep for yourselves and for your children."' (Luke 30:28), he was reminding them that it was not his frailty that had led to this moment, but humanity's dark and selfish heart.

I wonder how many people truly heard that message? I believe Simon of Cyrene understood, when he carried the cross for Jesus. I believe that the women who stood at the foot of the cross understood. Eventually, I know that the disciples came to understand, but they had to see the resurrected Christ first.

So when we get into Palm Sunday, remember that Jesus had this wonderful moment of triumph and glory. Remember that it is wonderful to follow Jesus when life is going well. But also take some time to think about what it means to follow Jesus when times are hard. Could we take up his cross? Could we still have faith as we watched him die? I pray that I could, and I pray that I will find the strength in times of darkness in my own life to have the strength of Simon and Mary, a faith that doesn't weaken when this world is cruel and cold.

Jerusalem today (taken December 2008)

Some bad jokes

2010-03-19T23:49:00.000Z

A collection of bad jokes from tonight's funtimes in a bar in Soho (and others).

"What's the difference between a lesbian and a duck?
Spelling." - The Wife

Me: I'm not at church this week, it's my week off.
Scottish friend coughs in a pathetic sort of way... 'wee cough', get it?

"Did you hear about the lesbian who knitted a scarf?
It itched." - According to above-referenced Scottish friend this is a very funny joke that I fail to understand.

"How many musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's an obscure number, I don't expect you to know it..." - Girl Housemate

Canals

2010-03-04T10:00:00.002Z

Dad at the Thames with Andante, enjoying the sunshine.

I don't know what it is about canals, but I really love them. I think it's something to do with the fact that they are such an important part of the cityscape in Britain. In London especially, you can walk along the canal for a while and forget where you are. It's a different way to see the architecture and you get a real sense of what it was like when the city centred around the waterways and the warehouses. There's something creepy about all the abandoned warehouses, particularly around Camden, but they're also really picturesque and imposing.

I also love looking at boat names. Mum and Dad's is called Andante ('walking' in Italian, musical term for 'walking pace'), because that's the name they inherited but Mum wants to call it Moby Duck. Then there's all the retirement boats called things like Dunworkin', the boats named after poems (we once took a boat out for a weekend called Macavity), or those that seem to be named after family members.

I went for my first run in my bid to do 7 miles for Iain Rennie Hospice at Home on the 20th June (Fathers' Day), and managed about 4km in 30 minutes, which isn't too bad. I ran along from Thornhill Road near Kings Cross past St. Pancras and up to Camden Road. I haven't run properly since October but I need to get back into doing intervals and increasing daily until I'm ready. According to a training guide Mum has, I should have plenty of time to get to the point I can run 10km (which is ≈ 7 miles).

I think I might start walking to church that way, it's really not far and I'll take some photos to plague you all with.

Run, Rowley, run, Rowley, run, run, run....

2010-03-03T23:53:00.000Z

Right, I have a Cunning Plan. As many of you know, my Grandad sadly died on Valentine's Day this year. He had been suffering from pulmonary fibrosis for a couple of years and in the last 5-6 months he and Grandma were lucky to have excellent support from Iain Rennie Hospice at Home, who provided a hospital bed, nursing care and emergency doctors if needed. Three of the nurses then came to the funeral, and were kind enough to tell us that they had enjoyed Grandad's company.

We were so lucky that Grandad had all that support without needing to leave Grandma and their home, so I've decided to do something for them and I will commit to at least enter the Penn and Tylers Green Fun Run (3.5 miles), but aim to enter the Penn 7 (7 miles), both of which are held on Father's Day each year in aid of Iain Rennie.

I will be starting with a run tomorrow morning. Wish me luck!

A new commandment

2010-03-03T11:27:00.005Z

Originally published as a reflection in the MCC North London newsletter, 4th March 2010. The Lenten reflections were on the theme of the hymn Will You Come and Follow Me?

Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?

Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?

Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen,

and admit to what I mean in you and you in me?

Sometimes I think that the responsibility given to us as Christians is almost impossible to fulfil. Jesus said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34) That doesn’t sound so bad until you start to look at it in detail and really think about what is being said. What does he mean when he says, “as I have loved you”?

Jesus’ life and ministry was completely rooted in love. Everything he did was for the love of humanity, from enduring tests in the wilderness from Satan until the day he died in agony on the cross. The seasons of Lent and Easter are all about the raw emotion that is at the heart of our faith; love.

Jesus showed that love in many different ways, some of which are easy to follow and some of which are almost impossible for us. He spent time with the people at the lowest end of the social scale; sinners, tax collectors, women, fishermen, people who were ill or disabled, and the list goes on. He broke bread with them, he taught them the will of God and he tended to their needs. Would we dare to look after those we consider beneath us, no matter what the cost? Would we wash the feet of anyone we don’t know, let alone those we don’t like? Would we kiss a person with a deforming and debilitating highly-contagious skin condition?

Jesus healed in the name of God. He resurrected Lazarus, healed all sorts of disabilities and debilitating illnesses. He continued to travel around healing those he loved, even when he knew that Herod was looking for him, and that he was soon to be arrested and executed. Would we have the faith to heal someone in the name of God? Would we have the strength of will to carry on doing this if it would cost us our lives?

And if we did do all these things, if we fulfilled the commandment to love one another and truly showed the love of Christ to all our neighbours, would that be enough? No. Jesus says that not only should we do these things, but we should do them unseen, out of no desire but to please God. We should not seek the recognition of people, or the thanks of the healed. There should be no reward for this work but the knowledge that it is the work of God we are doing. The only thing we should be seen to proclaim loudly and without fear in the face of the public is the love of Jesus Christ. We should admit what he means to us all day, every day. We should not be too embarrassed to tell our non-Christian friends we’ll pray for them, nor too ashamed to admit we go to church. We have to come out as Christians, even if we are persecuted. And if we lose everything, even our lives, we will have lost nothing as long as we have loved the world and our God, and lived that love in every aspect of our lives.

Prayer

2010-02-23T21:25:00.001Z

Today was Grandad's funeral, and I read this prayer to the small gathering of family and friends. I wasn't sure whether to post this, but it's all I can think of to say. We celebrated the life of an extraordinary person today and I was lucky to have known him.

Almighty God,

We stand here today in a time of grief and sorrow, in a season of darkness. This is the darkness of the end of the day, at the end of a bright day of joy and of laughter.

We have had the privilege of spending many such days with Hedley, our Grandad. We have never known a time when we couldn't look to him for support, advice and knowledge. Whether he was demonstrating the pressure in an aircraft, explaining how a barometer works or talking through the economic circumstances of the Wall Street Crash, he always made life seem so simple. There was nothing that couldn't be solved with a nice cup of tea or a quick lap of the garden in the old wheelbarrow. We acknowledge the precious gifts of life, love and family. We claim those gifts today and hold onto them for comfort in times of loneliness.

Almighty, ever-living and ever-loving God. You gave us promises of peace and eternal life - we claim those promises now for your children gathered here, for Hedley and for everyone whose life he touched with his quiet grace. We ask for perfect peace for all those who mourn with us. We ask this in the many names of God, whoever and however we perceive you to be.

God bless you, Grandad.

Amen.

Review of Living it Out

2010-02-07T10:27:00.000Z

I noticed a new review of Living it Out on Amazon today, which I thought I would share. I was really pleased to see that it remarks on how taboo it is to discuss mental health issues in many churches. This second paragraph struck me really strongly, and I hope she manages to go back to a church.

This is the book I was looking for all along. It doesn't rehash the 'is it scriptural, is it moral' debate. But it also doesn't skirt around it. Instead, it cuts right to the heart of how to live. I found a lot of comfort in reading about other people's experiences, and I was inspired by the creative ways they have found to move forward. I particularly appreciated the discussion of mental health problems- often another taboo topic within the church. I realised reading this book how much I'd given up on the whole church thing, but I feel hopeful now that I might be ready to give it another go- armed with the tips, ideas and resources from this book.

The Wedding Planner

2010-02-06T17:44:00.010Z

So I can now finally announce it because it's on Facebook - Tori and her boyfriend* Luke are engaged!

The bling

So in August 2011 there will be a big Rowley-Freeborough wedding, and it's very exciting. We've spent the afternoon looking at bridesmaids' dresses and venues. At the moment, it's still fun. Ask me again in a year....

So, here's to Tori and Luke!

*Fiancé, obv.

Italian leftovers stew

2010-02-05T21:35:00.002Z

I just improvised this, based on a vague memory of something Mum cooked once. It's very yummy.

Leftover stew for 2

2 chicken fillets
4 rashers bacon
Spinach (about 500g, fresh)
Mushrooms (various sizes and types, I think I used 3 portobello and a handful of button mushrooms)
1 tin chopped tomatoes
About half a jar of pesto
1 onion
A couple of cloves of garlic

Cook the chicken in olive oil until it's sealed, and add the chopped onion and crushed garlic.
Add the bacon and mushrooms, with a bit of pesto, and simmer for 5-10 minutes.
Add the tomatoes, fresh herbs and black pepper and simmer for a further 10 minutes.
Serve with pasta.

On angels

2010-02-05T01:21:00.001Z

A lot of people have heard this from me before, but I'm something of a believer in angels in the world. Not necessarily the winged, Victorian variety, mind. That's a bit twee for me, I'm afraid, and I don't really believe in guardian angels. I think the idea of a guardian angel diminishes the image of an omnipotent, omnipresent God. My God knows every hair on my head, every word from my mouth and all the days of my life (see Psalm 139), and with Him watching over me, I don't need a guardian angel.

The word 'angel', though is so much more than that. The Greek is ἄγγελος (angelos), and this in turn has derived from translating the Hebrew (מלאך) mal'akh in the Septaguint. Both words mean 'messenger' in both sacred and secular contexts. An angel does not have to literally be a heavenly being sent from God to meet us and bring a message. Is it not angelic to speak the word of God into the world? Sometimes the right word at the right moment can change a life.

Last night, I was talking at great length to The Wife. I was feeling a little under the weather, and was beginning to doubt myself and, worse, God. Nothing he said could do more than reinforce the knowledge I was repressing within myself. I was so determined that I was going to feel bad about myself that I wouldn't let him in. Whilst we were talking, he was travelling by train. As he got up to get off the train, a woman who had been sat nearby passed him a piece of paper. On that paper, she had written a message that affirmed my worth in the eyes of God and The Wife's value as a child of God and a very dearly beloved friend. The fact that she had cared enough to write that note touched me very deeply. All my doubts seemed to melt away, and the pain just didn't matter. In that moment, she was nothing less than an angel of God, a messenger from my Father.

We may each be an angel to someone, whether we know them or not. I hope if I were ever called to be, I would have to courage to take that precious commission. I still pray for those people who have been angels in my life, and thank God for their ministry.

In a post-ex-gay world...

2010-01-29T00:18:00.000Z

I'm a little behind the times with this one, I have to admit. Just over a week ago the Times published an article entitled The day I decided to stop being gay. The premise of the article is that a man who had previously lived an openly gay life (and, in his word, 'lifestyle'), including a committed relationship of ten years with another man, realised one day that he didn't think this was for him any more.

It's fascinating to read Patrick Muirhead's story, but I honestly don't understand how it led him to consider himself to no longer be gay. He talks very tenderly about the wonder he felt at the sight of a young boy holding hands with his dad, and that this made him realise that he didn't want to be gay any more. But is it really that simple?

I was struck by a number of things that he says that make me wonder if he is truly sure of his analysis or if he is in fact suffering from a very serious case of internalised homophobia. I began to wonder about this when I read this phrase;

I became transfixed by the sight of the boy’s tiny pink fingers gripping his father’s huge, workman-like fist. And I almost wanted to burst into song.

I don't mean to go all pop psychology on you here, but forgive me a moment. That doesn't sound to me like a man who has realised that he is not gay, but one who feels he will somehow never be able to conform to a norm that he sees around him. He juxtaposes the father's "workman-like fist" not only with the child's small hand but also with his own desire to burst into song. He goes on to say, "That's love, folks", as though this beautiful expression of familial love is all there is to it. As if the entirety of the human experience of love can be boiled down to a "normal" man with his child.

Come to that, I have to question his assumption that the man in the hairdresser's salon was straight. Does having a "workman-like fist" and a beautiful son make you straight? Or is it that there aren't any gay people living in Kentish villages. Do enlighten me, Mr. Muirhead, I would love to know.

But, of course, the answer is there and ready.

Gays have children these days, of course they do, and not always to accessorise an outfit. ... It is, really, a sort of snook to the system of nature. Shooting for the net without the chore of running with the ball. It’s just not for me.

I find it so hard to listen to someone who has been apparently living comfortably as openly gay to roll out the old "it's not natural" argument. Actually, I think you'll find that there is anthropological evidence that suggests that the role of couples who are unable to procreate (gay and straight) in many societies is precisely to adopt and care for the children who need them, sometimes co-parenting those children who would be otherwise without a family. Are those straight couples who "follow twisting paths to biological parenthood, often quite expensively, with the involvement of test tubes and cash changing hands" also undeserving of children? Do you believe that they are also a "snook to the system of nature"? Well, you should, it is no more natural.

What his argument seems to boil down to is this; that the "lifestyle" he embraced for many years now feels shallow. Join the club. It's called growing up. I'm not sure I'd want to go back to the days of "fumbling" and confusion about my sexuality, nor do I want to be eighteen and drinking myself into a giggling stupor in student gay nights whilst wondering why I'm still going home on my own at the end of the night. Those days are long behind me, and one day I'm sure I'll look back and wonder what possessed me at the age of 24 to still be spending long nights in Popstarz and writing a pompous blog. People change, that's one of the joys of life.

On which note, I must confess that I do believe that sexuality is not a fixed thing. There have been times in my life when I have wondered if I could date men after all. There have been moments when I've thought, like Patrick Muirhead seems to, that perhaps it was just that I spent too much time at a single-sex school. But at the end of the day, none of it matters. What matters is that I am self-aware enough to recognise love when I see it. If Patrick Muirhead were, like one of his former lovers, to fall for a woman and believe he wanted to marry her and start a family, you would not find me raising these concerns (although his characterisation of the "gay community" still falls far short of what I know to be true). I believe whole-heartedly that God intends for us to be in relationship - romantic or otherwise - with one another and that when someone finds the person they are meant to be with it doesn't matter what their gender or identity is. We are not called to judge.

I do worry, however, that Patrick Muirhead is going to be bitterly disappointed when he realises that it is not as simple as wishing to be straight. I hope that he finds the person he can fall in love and start a family with, and I hope it brings him happiness and he raises a wonderful family. But I hope he can do it without continuing to unjustly sling mud at a community he has chosen to reject. I wish him nothing but luck.

Living it Out

2010-01-28T06:25:00.001Z

This evening, Living it Out was launched at Waterstone's Gower Street. Sarah and Rachel were there to answer questions and read from the book.

I was struck by a number of things when I first read Living it Out; the first was the sheer diversity of the contributors. As I had contributed myself, I wasn't sure what to expect. I was amazed, looking at the list spanning four pages at the front of the book, to see how many of the contributors are not L/G/B themselves, but are our allies. A 25 year old Anglican with gay friends, parents of L/G/B Christians, themselves of various denominations, even a vicar explaining honestly and frankly his work to include us in his worship.

There was nothing in the book that was negative; the experiences of the contributors were beautifully handled within the text to emphasise the healing and growth within their story. It is often easier for us, as people who have been hurt, to condemn those who disagree with us out of hand and subsequently to cause ourselves more bitterness and pain. It is wonderful to read stories that don't allow the reader to take that easy route. There is no anger here.

The title, also, reflects a core value of the book. Through the stories, Bible studies and reflections it becomes apparent that we are still called to live our faith authentically. That love is the most faithful witness of all, and that the example of those who stand unafraid to be themselves can inspire others to do the same.

Love does no harm to its neighbour. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
Romans 13:10

I've also been looking at the reviews in the last couple of days, and I found this review, which I was really pleased by. As someone from an Evangelical Anglican background (and, incidentally, raised in High Wycombe!), it's a joy to me to know that there are people in the church prepared to listen and disagree in love.

There's a prayer in the book that sums up what I want to encourage people to do after reading the book;

Emmanuel, God with us, you came to share our life. We pray that you would join us as we join together, sharing our laughter and tears, arguments and struggles, secrets and celebrations. Amen.

Birthday feelings

2010-01-25T20:18:00.000Z

At Popstarz for my birthday party, click for a Spotify playlist

So I'm another year older today. It always takes me by surprise, but it's a great time to look back over the last few years. What with the new year and my birthday, January is often a month of planning and looking back for me.

But this year I realised it's not about looking back at what I've achieved. My birthday is not a time to look back and regret missed opportunities, or congratulate myself on my own achievements. Rather it's a fabulous opportunity to realise just how many things I have to be grateful for.

I was out on Friday night with the most wonderful group of people, from friends I've known for many years to those I've met in the last few months. It made me get a little bit soppy to think about the number of people I have in my life who I really value.

To anyone not celebrating my birthday, happy Burns Night / Virginia Woolf's birthday / whatever you are celebrating!

Jesus plasters

2010-01-12T20:35:00.000Z

I have a habit of chewing on my fingers when I'm nervous. It's not a good habit - nor a particularly attractive one - and I often don't notice I'm doing it until they start to bleed. Thankfully my housemate is very well equipped and provided me with a very colourful popart Jesus plaster.

Aren't they fabulous? Or are they a tacky commercialisation of faith? Does it matter? Well, perhaps that's another reflection for another time but my Jesus plaster certainly made me think. Most people who saw it immediately commented on the healing power it must contain.

After joking along with this for a while, I tried to think a little more seriously. For a start, it never once occurred to me to pray about my finger. It's just a little cut, right? Who needs prayer for that? It hurts a little but I figure it'll heal itself. I'm sure I have enough in myself to heal it. Platelets are perfectly effective on their own, I'm sure. I mean, I'm no doctor but it's worked in the past.

So I decided to give it a shot. I'm not one of life's great pray-ers. I like to be self-sufficient and that includes a reluctance to accept help from God. Of course, I know when to get support for the big things, we all do. When a family member is ill, I'm powerless so I am prepared to ask for help. Because even I know there are times I can't fix it! But ask for help for myself? Why would I do that? I'm fine.

The Jesus plaster sat on my finger as a constant reminder that sometimes I need a little extra support. And when I decided to pray about it, something changed. I was more relaxed; the pain even diminished a bit. So when I fell down the stairs and hurt my back, I first hobbled to work and forced myself to get through it. Then I had a break, and I was going over a prayer list. I noticed a name there that I hadn't written. In someone else's handwriting was my name. I remembered the Jesus plaster, remembered the last time I prayed for something I didn't consider worth praying about. So I did, and I got through the day intact.

The Jesus plasters aren't a miracle cure. And, let me be clear about this, prayer isn't some kind of instant fix-it either. But sometimes my Jesus plaster reminds me who it is I'm meant to be depending on for my help. If I were to look up from my own internal world for a minute, what would I see?

I lift up my eyes to the hills- Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip -
He who watches over you will not slumber.
from Psalm 121

Happy Christmas

2009-12-25T00:25:00.001Z

¹In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ²He was with God in the beginning.
³Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴In him was life, and that life was the light of men. ⁵The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.
⁶There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. ⁷He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. ⁸He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. ⁹The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.
¹⁰He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. ¹¹He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. ¹²Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—¹³children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.
¹⁴The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
John 1

Going home for Christmas

2009-12-19T13:55:00.000Z

I just found out that I'm not working on Boxing Day - I had the wrong rota! I'm so excited, I get to spend two days at home with my family. On Christmas Day I'll be with G&G (my dad's parents) and on Boxing Day I'll be with Mum, Dad and Tori. I'm looking forward to spending some time relaxing with them. Only one more week to go!

Have you ever seen God?

2009-12-09T13:17:00.000Z

Published in MCC North London's newsletter, 9th December 2009.

But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is! By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can't see: eternal power, for instance, and the mystery of God's divine being.
Romans 1:20-22, The Message

Have you ever seen God in something unexpected? Have you ever exchanged a smile with a stranger in the street and felt as though you forged an indestructible friendship?

I was struck the other day by all the incredible, diverse, wonderful things in creation that point us to God. Whether it’s the smile of a child on the bus, or the way that the sunlight shines through the trees onto the buildings you see every day. Sometimes it is the small reminders that make us remember who God is and what God does for us.

When that happens, it is right to give thanks and praise to God. It’s the time we should take a deep breath and say in our hearts what a faithful, awesome God we have. Those moments can be lifesaving, they are sent to us to remind us that we are blessed and loved. That the awesome God who created the universe is also watching over our daily lives. I don’t think I will ever be able to get my head around that and I love that beautiful mystery.

In this advent season, we are looking forward to the clearest manifestation of God’s love; the anniversary of the birth of the Son of God – Emmanuel, God with us, the Messiah – we must also be attuned to the miracle of daily life. Give thanks to God; God’s love endures forever!

Sometimes all you need...

2009-12-06T02:57:00.000Z

...is to let your inner child run amok.

The church Christmas party was this evening and I had so much fun throwing wrapping paper (from Pass the Parcel, of course!) around the room, and singing dodgy karaoke songs with The Wife. It was brilliant, and we had a lovely drink in the pub around the corner afterwards (one of my favourites, although at least one of the guys I was with was miffed that I took him to a straight pub!), and just had a lovely evening.

Work tomorrow, and then the Second Sunday of Advent service. I'm looking forward to it; I'll be celebrating communion.

Today I knit...

2009-12-04T17:24:00.000Z

...a gauge swatch!

My first ever, to make sure that the gorgeous Sweetheart sweater from Domiknitrix will fit me. As usual, knitting a smaller size on the waist than bust; the joys of making my own clothes!

It's particularly exciting since I realised that a pound shop in Islington sells yarn for £1.49/ball, which means I am knitting this sweater for less than £10. Win.

NaBloPoMo

2009-11-30T23:44:00.000Z

So I have spent a month blogging, and I loved it. I have had the opportunity to share a sermon (voice file and text), what I think about bookselling (and retail in general), reviews of a book, an exhibition and a gig. I've also learned that liveblogging is a bad idea (it's more like word vomit!).

It's been a lot of fun but I think from now on I'll stick to what I do best, and just blog when I have something to say. And the world breathes a sigh of relief!

The launch of Living it Out

2009-11-30T23:33:00.001Z

Today, Living it Out launched in a church in Islington. Sarah and Rachel (the couple who authored the book) arranged with their publishers a lovely 'do', attended by a number of the contributors, friends and family.

I was surprised at how moved I was by the event, particularly the readings from the book (which I've not read yet); by how much hurt there is and yet also how much grace and simple truth there is to speak.

Being a gay Christian (or a lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, queer, polyamorous, asexual, curious Christian) is about so much more than "The Debate". We're living it, and I'm so privileged to have been given the opportunity to share that.

On mistakes

2009-11-29T07:50:00.004Z

I've made a few mistakes this week. That's nothing unusual, I do make many more than a few mistakes most weeks. I have tried to apologise to the people that I have hurt, but I think I have overstepped the line. All I can do now is sit back and pray.

TGIF

2009-11-28T04:06:00.000Z

Well, that's another week over. What a blessing!

Living it Out

2009-11-26T23:18:00.000Z

I finally held a copy of Living it Out in my hands today! It arrived at my workplace yesterday and I was just so excited. Ignore that Waterstone's don't think it's published yet, it definitely is available.

If you're planning to buy the book, it would be great if you could do it from a shop; persuade your local bookshop to keep a copy in. We need people to be able to see this book on shelves in mainstream shops. We need people to see that it is possible to be L/G/B and Christian, and that there are people out there just like them.

On that note, please request it from Christian bookshops; let them know that we are waiting for people to sit up and listen!

Congratulations particularly to Sarah and Rachel Hagger-Holt, this is a tremendous thrill and could really change some lives. Congratulations also to the other contributors including LilWatcherGirl and My Wife.

www.livingitout.com

The power of a well-timed word

2009-11-26T02:25:00.000Z

The right person said the right thing at the right time today. Twice. I love my friends, they give me the strength to get up in the morning.

Role models

2009-11-25T05:55:00.001Z

Once again, this was sparked by someone else's musings. This morning, a friend I follow on Twitter was looking for people's role models in order to find pictures for a presentation. I had a quick scan through the replies, and there were some interesting suggestions. Graham Coxon, "my mum" (lots of people's mums, not everyone looking up to my mum) and apparently she eventually settled for her own role model, the brilliant Ellen DeGeneres (incidentally, check out Ellen dancing with Barack Obama).

I originally came up with two people; a very dear friend who is pastor of the Big Easy Metropolitan Community Church of Greater New Orleans, and then for the sake of having someone famous, Mr. Stephen Fry.

The reason I came up with Stephen Fry is perhaps obvious to you. When I read Moab is my Washpot, I was struck by a number of things. Firstly, that he has a very clear and direct outlook on life that is actually pretty refreshing, secondly that he has a security about his sexuality that I admire deeply and that I feel we don't see very much even in this age of supposed freedom, and finally that he is able to accept and acknowledge his mental health difficulties as a part of him without making excuses or pretending he is anything other than who he is. That sort of security in one's identity is brilliant and hard to find in people. It is something I aspire to, and the reason I count him as a role model. Of course, the fact he is a classicist and brilliant general knowledge buff, and a very funny individual are all part of that, too.

But then there are all the other people who've touched my life. In no particutlar order:

My whole family, my brilliantly talented sister, mum and dad, Granny Prue and Grandpa who had so much faith in God, G&G who have taught me what family is, and my fabulously diverse cousins, who are the smartest people I know;
my friends - every single one of them - who have held my hands, prayed with me, let me cry and given me much-needed cuddles and kisses;
the people who have shared my living space graciously and given me someone to come home to;
the woman I shared my life with for two years, who will always hold a special place in my heart and taught me a lot about sincerity;
'My Wife', who shows more maturity and courage at 18 than I think I have ever had;
the teachers who took the time to look out for me, who supervised school trips, or who are the reason I have such a passion for learning;
the wonderful conductor of the first wind band I played in, who was the first person to give me faith in my musical ability;
my flute and piano teacher, who deserves to be canonised;
everyone who has ministered to me, lay and ordained, and prayed for me and given me time and space;
girl at school who kept in touch with me when she left the sixth form (even though I was only a year seven), told me it was ok to be gay, and gave me some self-belief;
the administrator of my academic department at university, who kept me at university through the worst of times;
the former presidents of UCLU LGB Society who took me under their wings and showed me what it means to achieve things for other people;
the sabbs who came before me and the ones who are doing the job now;
everyone who has had a kind word or a smile for me when I was low.

I love you all. Each of us has the power to make a difference in someone's life, and the best we can aspire to is to make a positive difference in someone's life. I wouldn't be who I was if it weren't for you all. If I can do justice to your influence on my life I will consider that I have been greatly blessed.

Thank you.

Transgender Day of Remembrance and National Anti-Bullying Week

2009-11-24T03:45:00.000Z

This reflection was published in the newsletter of MCC North London on Thursday, 26th November 2009

On Saturday, it was the tenth annual Transgender Day of Remembrance. Every 20th November we gather as a community to remember the trans men and women who have died as victims of hate crime.

Hate crime takes a number of forms. In its most extreme, it leads to murder. The murder of Ian Baynham in Trafalgar Square, or David Morley on the Embankment, or the brutal and unnecessary deaths at the Admiral Duncan pub ten years ago. But there are other things that happen that are dismissed. The people who call us names in the street, who make assumptions about others' gender identities and discriminate against them for it, even the people who were bullies at school. This is all hate crime, and it is all damaging.

When people die as a result of hate crime, it is not always because they are physically beaten by their persecutors. These mental beatings take their toll. It is estimated that 50% of young trans people attempt suicide at least once. In the LGBT community as a whole, rates of depression, self-harm and addiction are higher than in the general population. This is not a coincidence, nor is it because we are naturally disordered. It is because we face such discrimination on a daily basis.

And in that spirit, we should also remember the victims of bullying. It is anti-bullying week and we know that the victims of bullying today may be the suicide victims we are remembering tomorrow. A single act of bullying can be so devastating to a young person as to lead to all sorts of mental health and emotional problems later in life. Bullying is not normal, it is not a rite of passage, it is a devastating and life-changing thing to happen to someone. Sustained over a course of years it can destroy self-esteem and erode hope in someone's life.

The bullies will also suffer, those who torment others doubtless suffer countless torments themselves. The young woman of 18 who has been charged with the murder of Ian Baynham will never get her life back. She will forever be marked as "different" and probably even as "bad". Her life has been destroyed because she was never taught that it is wrong to persecute those who are different.

So this week, as well as praying for victims of transphobic hate crime and all forms of bullying, let us think about what we can do to make the world a better place. Report it when someone assaults you in the street, refuse to accept that "it's just a part of life". Do not let hate-speak go unchallenged, have the courage to correct people who make ignorant and hurtful remarks about what they cannot possibly understand. If you are in a position to do so, share your own story with a young person who will be given strength from it; maybe even write to your old school and tell them about your experiences. A few acts of harm can destroy a life, a few careful acts of kindness may rebuild someone.

We are all one body of Christ; it's time to look after each other.

We had church

2009-11-23T07:44:00.000Z

As Delores Berry would say, tonight we had church!

There was so much power in the worship, people were really letting go and singing like they meant it. The worship leader spoke powerfully on her transformative experiences in the last few months, the intern who preached gave a wonderful message on Christ the King, and the crown of forgiveness Christ empowers us to wear. I felt, for the first time celebrating communion, able to fully understand what a blessing it is to be allowed to serve the congregation in that way. I left feeling elated. There was a joy and peace in my heart that reminded me what it is to know the grace and love of Christ.

May you all know that love in your lives.

Review: Moctezuma: Aztec Ruler at the British Museum

2009-11-23T01:15:00.000Z

Today, I renewed my membership to the British Museum and went with two very dear friends to see the new exhibition on Moctezuma. I was a bit unsure about it, since I literally know nothing about Aztec culture and I was worried I'd come out feeling stupid and dazed.

But of course, as usual, I thoroughly underestimated the BM. In reality, even without a catalogue or an audio guide I got round easily. I spent 2 hours just marvelling at the incredible skill of the Mexica (the more correct name for the people of Moctezuma II's empire) craftspeople. Everything was so detailed and beautiful; each tile on the mosaic work was only a couple of mm squared and yet they were perfectly tesserated and the colour variations are perfect. I was reminded that this same demonstration of skill was what drew me into Roman art back in the second year of my degree.

The alien-ness, if such a word exists, was striking here. It felt truly 'barbarian' and other. The gorgeous sandstone eagle near the entrance of the exhibition was the first thing to draw my eye. I was concentrating on the shapes, the chisel marks, the materials used in its creation for a good few minutes. Eventually I glanced down at the label and noticed for the first time the hollow in the eagle's square back. This, apparently, was for the offered hearts of human sacrifices. My own heart skipped a beat. From then on, I couldn't look at anything in the exhibition without remembering how different life was. That stone eagle gave me a context within which to view the story of Moctezuma II.

And I believe this was deliberate on the part of the curators, the journey through the exhibition was not a geographical one (although the empire ruled over by this last native ruler was a large one), but a journey that used themes to pass chronologically through the life of Moctezuma and his court. Everything to me was new and exciting, even those things that should have been familiar from earlier study. I know obsidian has been used as a mirror but I had never before taken the opportunity to look at my image in the highly-polished stone. I did not realise how eerie the reflection is, how it makes your own face alien and those of others seem like ghosts. I never fully understood the power of an art that is so stylised, nothing is real. There are no 'realistic' images of Moctezuma because all was idealised. Like the Greek art I'm familiar with, there are forms and shames that represent attributes and status. We don't know what Moctezuma appeared as to his people - he was god-like and therefore physically ideal, however he really looked. He presented himself using his name-glyph, the royal diadem and highly decorated ear scroll meaning emperor, just as Julius took the epithet Caesar.

With classic post-colonial guilt, I truly wish that Cortés had learned from Moctezuma, instead of destroying the culture. The things we have lost through the Spanish destruction of artefacts and codices is more than equivalent to the loss of the library at Alexandria. What we know now is piecemeal, from the remaining artefacts still being recovered from temples in Mexico City, but the BM have done a fine job in making it comprehensible.

I am breaking up with Old Rosie

2009-11-21T17:39:00.000Z

I'm serious, it's over. I wake up with a different person every time I've been with her the night before. Consider this hangover my last for a long time; I embarrassed myself, ruined a lovely pair of shoes and have massive gaps in my memory.

We've had some fun times, Old Rosie, but it's over now. I love you; it's time to let you go...

(On the plus side, apparently I stopped a Co-Op on the way home and bought Capri Sun and cookies. Time for breakfast!)

Review: The Decemberists at the Coronet

2009-11-20T07:31:00.000Z

The Decemberists
The Coronet, Elephant and Castle
Thursday 19th November 2009

This was one of the best gigs I've been to in a long while. We arrived in time to catch half of Emmy the Great's set, which was really excellent. She has a gorgeous voice, and the songs are lovely. I'd happily listen to her to chill out of an evening.

The Decemberists first played through Hazards of Love as a suite. Only five or six musicians (I didn't actually count), but playing so many instruments and swapping in and out didn't interrupt the flow of the album. It was incredibly powerful, although it was musically not different to the album, it had a very different feeling. I was all shivery and cheerful at the end.

And just to make it even more exciting, they came back! Highlights of the second half were definitely 16 Military Wives and the finale, The Mariner's Revenge. Particularly as someone had been chucking an inflatable killer whale around which was confiscated by the band until the point at which it was required to eat a few sailors!

The conversation in the second half was witty, the audience were possibly the politest and most tuneful I have ever seen at a gig and I loved it. You definitely must see the Decemberists at least once in your lifetimes.

Recipe: My bean tacos (v)

2009-11-18T23:56:00.001Z

To serve 3 hungry people or 4 if you've had starters. I make it differently all the time but this is how I made tonight's (with help from Mark, master taster) and it turned out nicely.

Takes about half an hour to cook (an hour if you've got it). Best served immediately, piping hot. As with most chili dishes, it is also excellent reheated the next day.

The basis of this recipe came from Boy Housemate, so all thanks and lip-smacking noises in his direction.

Ingredients:
1 can each of kidney beans, black eyed beans and borlotti beans
1 can of chopped tomatoes
Schwarzkopf fajita spice mix (about 1/3 jar)
1 onion
1 red bell pepper
1-2 cloves of garlic
Tsp-ish of smoked paprika
Juice of 1 lime
Splash of red wine

To serve:
12 taco shells (or tortilla wraps)
Lettuce
Liberal helpings of cheese (grated)
Salsa
Guacamole
Soured cream (or vegan soft cheese if preferred)

Fry the onion and pepper in vegetable oil and some spice mix until the onion is translucent.
Add the tomatoes, all three tins of beans (drained) and more spices and half the lime juice.
Stir thoroughly whilst the remaining liquid cooks off, then add a splash of wine, the lime juice and paprika.
Cook the taco shells as instructed, continuing to cook the bean mixture over a low heat until mushy and without a separate liquid component, stirring constantly. During this time, taste and add more spices if necessary.
When they are cooked, stuff the tacos with the bean mixture, cheese, lettuce, salsa, sour cream, guacamole, etc. to taste.
Share with friends.

What I remember about being a kid

2009-11-18T03:44:00.000Z

...is laughing. Until the age of about 5 or 6 when I moved to a new school and started being bullied, all my memories are of people laughing and smiling.

I just found a photograph of me, my sister and some friends aged about 4, when we still lived in Ealing, eating ice cream and giggling. I feel like life will never be that straightforward again but thank God that I still have friends who are happy to eat ice cream and giggle with me.

I'm on the far right. That is not a political statement.

The opposite of entropy

2009-11-17T05:37:00.000Z

I have several wonderful, very wise friends. One of them, who's particularly brilliant, posted this on Facebook in the small hours of Sunday morning;

How about the theory that entropy has an equivalent and opposite force?... what if that force was love. Love is God. God is order. Entropy is chaos.
Yes, ok, so there's lots to pick at that argument... But I'm intrigued by what people might say...
Essay question set... now class... Discuss!

This was my initial response;

I think there's plenty of room for love in chaos. Love is dangerous; even love for God puts us at a certain risk in this world and even faith is chaotic and subject always to several forces at once.

This is a poorly-formed thought I realise, but it's a gut reaction. May think more about that..

(Incidentally, not being a scientist, my understanding of entropy is based on social entropy, not thermodynamics.)

So I have indeed been giving it some more thought. And I have also been listening to Sex God, written and read by Rob Bell. Turns out Rob Bell is completely brilliant; I love the way he expresses his ideas. There is one chapter in which he talks about Animals and Angels and the way in which we as human beings sit between animals - he sees animals as all body and no soul - and angels - all soul and no body. We are neither, we are the result of neither reflecting the image of God correctly. So he then talks about how clearly it is expressed in the creation poem in Genesis 1 that we were made after the animals in in God's own image:

²⁴ And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so. ²⁵ God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.
²⁶ Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."
²⁷ So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.

Only humans were created in God's image - all genders created in the image of God. And there is a progression in the creation poem of Genesis 1, according to Rob Bell, from chaos into order. From God's spirit moving over the waters of chaos to the order and peace of Eden. The lines only become blurred, in this narrative, through human action. Through deliberate rejection of God. And, that being so, we begin to descend back into chaos.

So what do we call chaos? For that matter, what do we call love? Chaos is created through heirarchy, through viewing each other not just as distinct but as having different worths. To see oneself as greater or lesser than another contributes to chaos in the social order. I suppose, in some ways, it is an animal part of ourselves. The idea that there must always be an "Alpha", a dominant personality. Try as we might to suppress this with democracy and systems and order, perhaps we just enhance a chaos that is born out of the rejection of God that makes it so hard for us to truly love and respect one another. Don't get me wrong, I don't advocate anarchy, but in an ideal world there would be no need for the systems we find so necessary today.

And if that is the case because we do not know how to love one another then, yes, perhaps the opposite of entropy / chaos truly is love. For true love is perhaps the least chaotic thing that there is. It confuses our animal natures, because it is so deeply spiritual, and it confuses our angel natures because it is so physical, but that is not chaos. That is how we were created to be, as God is, existing between the physical and the spiritual. It is our nature, our now imperfect nature, that fails to realise what a great thing we have going on, that rejects it and calls the feelings that go with love 'chaotic'. In fact, they are perfect. They are what we, in God's image, were created for.

Doctor Who "live" blog: The Waters of Mars

2009-11-16T00:11:00.000Z

So I'm watching the Doctor Who special and decided to have an attempt at Live Blogging. However, I'm watching it on iPlayer (with Girl Housemate), so it's not really live.

00.01 - Oooh video links. Weepy moment already...
00.30 - I don't like the Doctor arriving on his own, it's weird. Although, very retro orange suit.
02.33 - It looks like the Eden project.
02.36 - Is that Wall.E's long-lost cousin?
03.25 - "The Doctor. Doctor. Fun." Who's writing this? I'm loving the dialogue so far. Bowie Base One particularly good.
04.21 - Does it have to keep.... Oh. The Doctor just said that.
05.49 - The trailer spoiled this bit. Damn, shouldn't have watched it.
06.19 - Who's the aussie actor again?
08.00 - It's a bit like the Fires of Pompeii, but without the world history bit.
08.51 - The doctor just saluted. Huh.
09.38 - DEATH AND DESTRUCTION. The Doctor's back!
11.25 - Here's the sob back story, putting the apocalypse into post-acopalyptic.
14.06 - "Sounds like me; the maintenance man of the universe." Awesome.
17.02 - "We should like that world."
18.45 - Zombies. Want. Braaaaaaaiiiiiiins.
19.16 - Not zombies, then. Zombies don't run.*
20.00 - Housemate. "She looks like she's in Thriller!"
22.06 - It's gone a bit Runaway Bride. And I miss Donna.
23.08 - "Water always wins." I'm now thirsty but a bit too scared to get a glass of water.
27.53 - Oh she's mad now...
26.33 - That was Martian for, "Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom"
30.11 - Odd to be continuing the Journey's End storyline, isn't it? Are they setting up bringing assistants or Daleks back (again) for the Christmas special? I much prefer new villains and dangers to the old enemies.
33.36 - "One day a Brooke will even fall in love with a Taledonian prince, and that's the start of a whole new species!"
34.40 - They're not dying of water; what is going to kill them?
35.10 - It wouldn't be Doctor Who with bikes, though, they have to run.
35.35 - The Doctor has a theory - I can see it in his gorgeous furrowed brow.
36.47 - What is the gorgeous blonde's accent supposed to be? (Housemate says German. Figures.)
38.00 - Even the music is sounding like Donna's theme. I still miss Donna.
39.00 - Why is the Doctor's access denied? He's never denied anything. He's the Doctor!
39.32 - He loves her? Is this hyperbole or another River Song? Ahh, see now even he's referencing The Fires of Pompeii.
40.16 - Accent update: Housemate now says Serbian.
41.16 - Not sure how I'd feel about finding out the day I die. I don't even like having a cold. (This just ruined a perfectly good moment of catharsis as my housemate giggled over my shoulder. Whoops.)
42:54 - This is making me very thirsty and a little hydrophobic. Maybe I'll have a Capri Sun, they're probably hermetically sealed.
44.17 - Ah, he is a vision in orange.
44.38 - Steffi update (this is the blonde crewmember's name); the video of her family shows them talking German. Also, she's less pretty as a water zombie.
46.56 - Oh, vaguely familiar Aussie down. Without even becoming a zombie, poor bloke. Horrible look in his eyes at the last minute, too.
47.50 - Apparently he was a water zombie. Hence the eyes. Observation fail.
48.17 - Not sure why they're playing the Gallifrey theme and doing the Last of the Time Lords thing again. Are they bringing the Master back for Christmas? The music has gone all Utopia / Sound of Drums. (Is it too much that I can recognise themes?)

Last of the Time Lords is "a vision in orange." Screenshot from the Waters of Mars.

49.26 - What's the knocking four times thing? Was not a fan of the last special so not familiar with it. Did I miss something?
49.54 - "The laws of time are mine - AND THEY WILL OBEY ME!" (He's quite hot when he's angry at the space-time continuum.) "We're fighting time itself - AND I'M GONNA WIN!"
50.50 - "Molto bene". Of course.
51.19 - I will be saying, "Gadget, gadget" to everything for a long time now. Because deep down I'm still an irritating, small child.
52.40 - Tai chi for zombies?
53.15 - Are they going to keep Gadget as the new K9? Hope not, he's cute enough for 1 episode but could get well annoying...
54.10 - What? Argh! What happened?! TELL MEEEEE.
54.27 - I'm guessing it's not real snow, a la Voyage of the Damned. Self-referencing, Doctor Who, it's getting a bit much...
55.30 - Oh, it is real snow.
56.41 - He's going to take them back, right? Oooh, dunno. He's gone all "tough". And is being a bit of a knob, to be quite honest. Not sure I'd shag him any more. (Housemate still would. There's a power thing going on I think. All very Freudian.)
58.07 - He's acting like the Master. Scary stuff.
58.43 - She killed herself. Shit. Has that knocked some sense into him? Apparently it preserved the history of the human race; maybe history is still stronger than the Doctor.
59.55 - Housemate: "Where'd he get an Ood from?" Also, since when was Death an Ood?
1:01.7 - I TOLD YOU Donna would be back. And the Master - I am just too good. What will the Master be like if he's not John Simm, though? I loved John Simm's Master. *I can't decide, whether you should live or die...*

Verdict: The best special since the end of S4. Didn't rate Christmas so much last year, and was almost unimpressed with Easter. But that was just too awesome for words. Even if I did spend the whole thing obsessing about clues and story arcs (I've not seen any Christmas spoilers and don't want to, ta). Housemate was not so keen, mostly because of Mean Doctor. But hopefully Mean Doctor was a short-lived thing, because I didn't like him either.

Also, reading back my stream-of-consciousness blogging I believe I might be completely barking mad. Apparently you should know that by now (thanks for nothing, housemate)...

*Except in Dead Set.

Orlando

2009-11-14T18:30:00.000Z

I've just finished listening to Virginia Woolf's Orlando and I'm now unsure as to how I got to be 23 without it. It's a stunning book, much richer than anything I had expected. At once fantastic and somehow believable, and a fascinating commentary on the many facets (over 2,000?) of human nature and the strangeness of trying to commit and identity to the page.

If you have not read it, do so right away. I think this book will haunt me for a long time.

Also, I found out that I share a birthday with Virginia Woolf, and that has to make me pretty awesome, right?

Paraskevidekatriaphobia

2009-11-14T07:02:00.000Z

This is just to let you know that I survived Friday 13th intact. I'm not someone particularly affected by paraskevidekatriaphobia (quick Greek lesson: Paraskevē (Παρασκευή) - Friday, dekatreís (δεκατρείς) -13), but there's always a small thrill in something being riskier than usual. I'm the sort of person who always walks under ladders, partly to prove that it's not bad luck and partly to tempt fate. So I suppose I'm a bit disappointed that I wasn't afflicted by any comical misfortune to regale you with. On the whole, though, surviving another day intact has got to be a blessing, right?

Why I'm (still) a bookseller

2009-11-12T13:07:00.000Z

So, 2 days ago, I blogged a response to an article in the Guardian, and defended modern bookselling but there is definitely more to it than I was able to get to yesterday. There was one thing that continued to bother me, and that was this comment by Nicholas Spice who runs the (frankly excellent) London Review Bookshop:

Because once companies get big they draw in business management that doesn't have any sensitivity to the product. That's certainly the case with Waterstone's: the books knowledge of the people who run it is relatively small. Staff aren't paid well, so turnover is high and knowledge of what they're selling falls.

Granted, running an independent bookstore surrounded by Blackwell's, Waterstone's and Foyle's (independent, but increasingly chain-ish) must be tough but I do think that criticism of the staff is unfair. The booksellers I work with - at a large bookshop in C. London, in one of the academic departments - are committed and passionate people, many of them are educated to postgraduate level, and usually are placed in a department where they can genuinely demonstrate an enthusiasm for the books.

I'm not someone for whom retail was an obvious choice of job. I'm not a big shopper by nature, but I've always loved bookshops. Every time I walk into one I feel like Orlando discovering her first book shop in London. "Send me everything of any importance!" I want to cry to the nearest bookseller. Instead, I wander the store looking for handwritten recommendations, listening to what the staff are recommending to other customers, watching other people's reading habits. I have discovered some brilliant books in unsual places. I read The Colour Purple because a woman browsing Jeanette Winterson titles was carrying it in her other hand, and it was a customer recommendation that introduced me to Mark Thomas (a few years ago, after I commented that The Men who Stare at Goats was an excellent choice). Other books that have turned out to be brilliant, I've picked up for a few pounds in bargain bookshops or as additional choices in a 3 for 2 offer. Agent Zigzag turned out to be the most thrilling book I'd read for a long time, Graham Norton's autobiography was surprisingly poignant and I even enjoyed The Devil Wears Prada. So I've become more open-minded about what I will read. I no longer dismiss military history, celebrity biography or chick-lit, bookselling has actually broadened my mind. In turn, I am a better bookseller because I'm not afraid to tell people what I've enjoyed. I've recovered from the snobbery that held me back from recommending popular titles (the extraordinary delusion that popular must mean badly-written or under-researched, there doesn't need to be any dumbing down involved in making non-fiction accessible).

I'm a bookseller because I can't live without books and I love making them available to other people. I'm a bookseller because I'm the sort of person who buys a second copy of a book I've enjoyed so I can lend one out risk-free. I'm a bookseller because I believe everyone should have access to what they enjoy reading, and because I've learned so much from the customers I've met over the years. So we're not antiquarians any more - so what? We love what we do. So next time you're in a book shop, ask for a recommendation. You may learn something...

Remembrance

2009-11-11T14:43:00.000Z

In silence, at 11am, we will remember those who have died in wars across the world. I will be thinking of the families who have lost loved ones since November 11th last year.

In particular, having visited Israel and Palestine in December 2008, I will be thinking of the people suffering in that conflict zone. I will be thinking of the people in Sderot, who daily are shelled between twice (in peacetime) and sixty times (in times of conflict). I will be thinking of the people who endured horrific wounds, or died, with the illegal use of white phosphoros in Palestine in the most recent conflict. I will be thinking of the people I met who lost loved ones in suicide attacks during the last antifada, or whose lives have been destroyed by borders and curfews. I will be praying for those who believe war is the answer, and those who work for peace.

Pray for peace around the world. Pray for the peace of Jerusalem.

"Pray for the peace of Jerusalem" - the close of a light show at the Tower of David, Jerusalem
December 2008

How bookselling changed the nation

2009-11-11T05:02:00.002Z

I am a bookseller, and have been off-and-on since April 2005, and I have a confession to make - I love it. So when I got into work yesterday, the whole place was buzzing about this article from yesterday's G2.

I've read the article, and I think that Stuart Jeffries perhaps has made some valid points. It is true, for example, that the book industry has changed since more unusual retailers joined the throng. Even before Amazon - on which more later - the supermarkets branched into bookselling, and it's easy to forget that WHSmith used to be a stationery shop. This was the beginning, as I see it, of the age of mass-market paperbacks. As retailers got into a price war, the face of bookselling began to change. I remember going with my mum to Waterstone's in Ealing Broadway (in the early days after Waterstone's bought out Dillon's) on a semi-regular basis to see what was in the 3 for 2 offer. It became a highlight of the school holidays when we were able to get books to read on car journeys and on holiday.

As for the growing trend for coffee shops, that is also not necessarily a new or a bad thing. In 1998 the Times Higher Education Supplement published this article on the changing nature of campus bookshops. Again, some valid points are raised.

I take the point that it would be lovely if we could all sit and browse books in the coffee shop, but surely it's obvious why that is not allowed? I love new books. I can't help it, I love the mint condition of them. I read books and barely even bend the spine. Of course, I have copies of old favourites that are well-loved (I have ruined more copies of Oranges are not the Only Fruit than I can count because they keep falling apart), but on the whole I like books to look neat. I detest the idea that someone could not only take away and read a book before buying it (they might break the spine!) but that they could even take it into a coffee shop (coffee! argh!). Just thinking about it makes me begin to hyperventilate. So I'm afraid I'm firmly on Waterstone's'* side there; the Borders in Charing Cross Road allows books into Starbucks and it's always full of books and magazines that are so used as to look second-hand. It's an odd decision for a retailer to make, and a nightmare for book lovers. If the only copy of a book is in that condition, I would rather cross the road to Foyle's, or even walk to Blackwell's or the nearest Waterstone's, than buy it.

And this leads me, inevitably, to Amazon, where the new books are always in good condition (the only coffee spillage likely will ruin your laptop, but the book is safe). There are no other customers, no booksellers to confuse you with additional offers, no loyalty schemes. It's just cheap. OK, so some of the other sellers are confusing but on the whole it's straightforward and it automatically offers recommendations. You can even shop naked. Not that I do.

I remember the advent of Amazon, of course. I remember jungle.com (was this Amazon's first incarnation?), and the way it revolutionised shopping. And, I admit, I love Amazon. I use it sometimes when I'm feeling pretty broke, and it's my go-to place for electronics. And with the advent of first MP3 players and now e-Readers (Amazon's Kindle and Sony's Reader) it does make sense to buy electronic books and music from the internet.

And what I love about this is the way our reading habits have changed. I work in a bookshop with an excellent range of academic books, and popular non-fiction. And with every promotion, I see more and more brilliant non-fiction being discounted and selling. Almost every academic bookshop in London sells Oxford University Press' Very Short Introductions for 3 for 2 at least once a year (I love these; if I had time I'd read them all). Authors like Tom Holland, Niall Ferguson and David Kynaston are increasingly popular and David Starkey, Simon Schama and Diarmaid MacCulloch are becoming household names thanks to their BBC history series over the past few years. Yes, Mitchell and Webb and Coleen Nolan will still sell well. After all, we still like a good nosey into someone else's life. But so too will the brilliant Wolf Hall and Christopher Andrew's fascinating history of MI5. Maybe Waterstone's has changed the bookselling industry for the cheaper, along with WHSmiths, the supermarkets and Amazon. Is this a bad thing, if it means we are reading more? We are buying and reading non-fiction at a much greater rate than ever before, and I think that's brilliant.

We're a nation of book lovers like never before, but despite all the new technology you'll never be able to beat going into a bookstore. Even though Amazon and Waterstone's offer preview chapters as PDF files, there's nothing like a good browse.

But - and I will end my small rant here, I promise - there is a limit. And I found the opening premise of the Guardian article slightly strange.

In the Bloomsbury branch of Waterstone's, I am trying to find a quiet seat to read Tacitus's account of Seneca's suicide

I would encourage browsing in a shop, always, and I think seating is a great thing in a bookshop. You need to be able to compare books before you commit to buying one, and I've picked up some great things that I never would have bought if the first chapter hadn't grabbed my attention when I was browsing. (The latest is Andrew Ross Sorkin's Too Big to Fail. Not my thing at all, but it turns out it's a great read.) But a bookshop is not a library. If you just want somewhere to sit and read something, Tacitus is available in any public library, or free online. But that notwithstanding, Mr. Jeffries clearly didn't look very far. I'm not sure about the lower floors but I do happen to know of a lovely, comfy armchair on the second floor, a window seat on the first floor and a sofa on the third. That particular bookshop is not starved of seating areas.

*Yes, I'm pretty sure that's the correct use of apostrophes.

Columbia beret

2009-11-09T22:22:00.000Z

I've just cast on the Columbia Beret (here it is on Ravelry). No pics yet, still on the garter stitch brim, but very excited about having a lovely winter beret. Yum.

Sadly, my history with knit hats is not good; I keep losing them! I lost my Hannah in Manos silk blend (though think I have enough yarn to do a new one when I can bear it!) in T.K. Maxx at New St in Birmingham last November.

Then I lost my first Grace on the Victoria line between Pimlico and Euston in June as soon as I finished it! I didn't even get a photo of it finished. Sob.

I just hope that somewhere they are being worn and keeping people warm. That's all a knitter needs.

Why I am wearing two poppies

2009-11-08T21:00:00.000Z

I was privileged to be performing with London Gay Symphonic Winds this morning at St. Anne's church in Soho for their Remembrance Sunday service. The service was incredibly moving, and I was particularly struck by the presence of a number of cadets, and their involvement in the service.

The sermon by the rector, Fr. David Gilmore, was very thought-provoking. He talked at length about the need to respect and honour the memory of those who have died in the service of the British armed forces.

At the end of the day, I'm a pacifist. I can see little justification for war - genocide and crimes against humanity aside - and I will always pray for peace in times of conflict. I think violence against human beings is wrong, it defies the commandment to love one another as one loves oneself, and thus to love God. But then again, those who lay down their lives for the friends and neighbours they have never known must be honoured above all. The inherent contradiction in this has caused me no end of thought.

So, I wear a white poppy for peace. Peace is the ultimate goal, a true spiritual gift if we can attain it. Peace between people, between nations, the absence of violence against any person. Especially violence in the name of God. I believe anger can be justified, but for a human to perpetuate violence, one must be certain that it will be in the greater interest, that it will truly save lives.

But I wear a red poppy out of respect for those who have died in the name of their neighbours. They are honoured for their sacrifice, and their families are blessed for what they have given up.

Fireworks at Alexandra Palace

2009-11-08T07:38:00.000Z

I take it back - I've just been to a display that has conquered my fear of fireworks. With my housemate and some other friends I went to the display at Alexandra Palace, overlooking London. The view was stunning, for a start, with fireworks appearing silently across town from Canary Wharf through Camden and North London. Although it was crowded, we found a perfect spot for viewing; not too far from the fireworks, not too full of people.

I'd forgotten how, when you are watching fireworks, they are all-consuming. Like you can't see or hear anything else, everyone around you is talking about the fireworks - oohing and aahing. I loved it. It's peaceful and beautiful and you can almost feel like you're the only person in the world.

Heart: Fireworks at Alexandra Palace

(c) JK Blacker, November 2009

Review: Depression as a Spiritual Journey

2009-11-06T09:10:00.001Z

Depression as a Spiritual Journey
Stephanie Sorrell
O Books, 2009
ISBN: 9781846942235

This is not a book for light reading. I like to carry theology books with me, dip in and out of them during my tiring days at work and even to get some time out at church. However, it was apparent from the outset that I would have to devote some real time to getting to grips with Ms. Sorrell's work. The first chapter opens with some exercises in introspection, which are definitely worth engaging with whether you are reading this book to understand your own depression or to learn to recognise and engage with it in others.

The ideas presented in this book are not alien to me; I have spent many years wrestling with the apparent conflict between depression and faith in God before eventually concluding that I have had some periods of intense spiritual revelation through my depression that have enriched my life. However, presented as they are in a lively, logical and loving way, the reader is able to not just follow the theological and psychological arguements presented but almost relive their own journey and so to understand the journeys of others.

Stephanie Sorrell has drawn on case studies, those she has known who have suffered depression or watched others suffering, all forms of religious belief and analogy and also her experience in psychology (she has a master's degree in applied psychology). As someone who has suffered from depression herself, she is capable of genuine empathy and speaks the reality as she has seen and experienced it. The result is a carefully constructed analysis of the diversity of human experience, the reality of the illness lurking behind the clichés and the role of spirituality in discerning what healing is needed and learning from the darkness.

I will return to this book over and over in times of trouble, and I'm sure it will be a great source of support for others.

Remember, remember...

2009-11-05T20:23:00.000Z

Remember, remember the fifth of November,
gunpowder, treason and plot!
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot!

If I'm entirely honest, I hate bonfire night. I have always been a bit of a 'fraidy cat when it comes to explosives (call me boring), but it reached a peak when the vicar of a church I attended, Rev. David Hattersley, died during a school fireworks display. I wasn't there, but the grief and pain at church was palpable, and since then I've been very nervous of fireworks. I have had them thrown at me in the street, watched neighbours set them off at the entrance to my estate, visited people's gardens, etc. and I only feel safe watching from a few hundred metres away. Preferably even from the comfort of my balcony looking out over London.

No sage advice or deep reflection from me today, except to say to stay safe this weekend. Have fun!

Overhearing conversations

2009-11-05T05:17:00.000Z

Working in retail, I accidentally overhear a lot of conversations. In the age of mobile phones, I think we are much less discreet than we used to be. I know that, whilst I'm not quite Clive the Slightly-too-Loud Commuter, like everyone else I occasionally let something slip on a bus or train that I didn't intend to. But most of the time it's perfectly innocent things that just sound brilliant to passers-by.

My housemate came up with two brilliant ones, this was overheard on a bus by her gran:

Well, it'll never be any use to him, now. Not as a leg, anyway.

And her boyfriend's housemate told me the other day that he passed someone in the street saying,

She did have nitroglycerine, but it wasn't hers.

Ummm... does that make it ok?

And it makes me laugh when people mis-hear things I'm saying. Yesterday, we were stacking a new table and someone called through to me;

"Do we really have so many of The Noughties?"
"Yes, millions of the blasted things."

A customer just burst out laughing and looked at me.

"What on earth are millions of naughties?"

Or the other day, after I'd collapsed, someone asked me if I was ok.

Oh, I'm all right, just feeling a little queer.

A customer nearby burst out laughing and then looked a little embarassed. Made my day.

Who is this Kate person, anyway?

2009-11-03T12:07:00.000Z

Day 3 of NaBloPoMo and it would not do to fall at such an early hurdle. As I said yesterday, part of the thinking behind doing the month was to get used to posting and work out what I should be doing with my blog. So, with that in mind, I thought perhaps I should start by explaining my perspective. It is true that we are all products of our upbringings and backgrounds, and I thought it might help if I explained mine to give some sense of my perspective. I do think this is especially important as a context for my sermons. Of course, what this is not is an excuse or a mitigation for any of my views. I make no apology for who I am.

Firstly, my life in brief. I was born in 1986 in Hammersmith, and lived in Ealing with my parents until 1990 (and my sister, after 1987). We moved then to Penn, a village between Beaconsfield and High Wycombe in South Bucks and I went to the local primary school. After that, since Bucks retains its grammar schools, I took the 11+ and went to a girls' high school for seven years. School was a bit tough, admittedly, I was bullied in primary school and that impacted on my experience of secondary school, but I have always loved learning and keeping busy so I filled my life with extra-curricular activities (extra Latin lessons, Greek club, orchestras, choirs, tutoring younger girls and running debating society) and mostly kept on top of things. I feel with hindsight that my schools were much more conservative than my family tend to be, and that this could have been one of the reasons I tended to struggle socially.

University was brilliant. I arrived in 2004 and immediately became involved in the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans) Society, which I ran for two years. I loved that, and have met some of my dearest friends through the LGBT socials. From there, I got involved in the students' union council, then the executive and after my degree I was the sabbatical officer for welfare. Student politics was invigorating and frustrating, but I loved being able to offer support from people, being involved in decisions that could make students' lives easier, and working with such a great group of people.

Academically, my degree was in Archaeology, Classics and Classical Art. I loved it and although I haven't worked as a professional archaeologist I still spend a lot of time keeping up-to-date with the discipline - particularly the archaeology of London and the Roman Empire. I wrote my dissertation on writing in Roman Britain because I'm particularly interested in social theory and the archaeology of everyday life.

The focus of my life these days is God. I became a Christian at the age of 15, still at high school, although I had been to various churches with friends when I was smaller and I went with my family when we lived in Ealing. I struggled for years to reconcile my sexuality with my spiritual life. I never felt called to celibacy, and I struggled with the fact that whilst my church seemed happy to accept that some teachings were irrelevant out of context (such as the teachings of St. Paul on hair and head coverings), others were not. I felt as though the teachings were targeting gay people almost as a scapegoat. To a certain extent, I still do. I do not (and I can't emphasise this enough) believe it was a conscious decision but I think it's a deep fear of the other that is still prevalent in many churches.

It was such a joy to me to find the Metropolitan Community Church of North London (part of the United Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches). To realise that LGBT people can be celebrated - not just tolerated - and that this does not mean disregarding the Bible, ignoring the problem of sin or refusing to talk about sex. In fact, the church is full of brilliant people whose paths to acceptance of their sexuality has been one of deep soul-searching and a lot of praying. We are a diverse people, and I love that. I've never felt so at home anywhere. I am just beginning the long process of ordination training in MCC, because I believe I'm called to be a part of that blessing, and that is a joy to me.

As for now, I'm working for a chain of bookstores. I love selling books and meeting people, I'm thoroughly enjoying my work and learning new things every day.

So that's my perspective. I'm a southern British, degree-educated Christian. My background in student politics and LGBT rights means I have a strong sense of social justice, and this is also a key part of my faith. How's that for a whistle-stop tour of my mind?

NaBloPoMo

2009-11-02T12:04:00.000Z

So, with thanks to LilWatcherGirl for alerting me to this, I've decided to join in the fun of NaBloPoMo (that's National Blog Post Month). Inspired by NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), which I am frankly not talented or motivated enough to do, the aim is to blog once a day for a month. Since I've rediscovered that I quite like having space to talk about whatever I like with no one to tell me to shut up, I'm going to give it a shot!

Still trying to work out what to blog about, too, so I'm hoping that a month of enforced writing will focus me on a few things that I find it interesting to muse about. It could be fun!

Audio file: Shema Yisrael

2009-11-02T07:29:00.000Z

A recording made at MCC North London on Sunday, 1st November 2009.

Sermon title: Shema Yisrael (Hear, O Israel)
Preacher: Kate Rowley

Shema Yisrael 011109 sound bite Sermon sound bites

No to Hate, Trafalgar Square, 30th October 2009

(c) Paul A. Brown 2009

Shema Yisrael - Hear, O Israel

2009-11-01T23:17:00.000Z

Preached at MCC North London, Camden Town, on Sunday 1st November 2009.

Ruth 1:1-18
In the days when the judges ruled, there was a famine in the land, and a certain man of Bethlehem in Judah went to live in the country of Moab, he and his wife and two sons.
The name of the man was Elimelech and the name of his wife Naomi, and the names of his two sons were Mahlon and Chilion; they were Ephrathites from Bethlehem in Judah. They went into the country of Moab and remained there.
But Elimelech, the husband of Naomi, died, and she was left with her two sons.
These took Moabite wives; the name of the one was Orpah and the name of the other Ruth. When they had lived there about ten years, both Mahlon and Chilion also died, so that the woman was left without her two sons and her husband.
Then she started to return with her daughters-in-law from the country of Moab, for she had heard in the country of Moab that God had considered the people and given them food.
So she set out from the place where she had been living, she and her two daughters-in-law, and they went on their way to go back to the land of Judah.
But Naomi said to her two daughters-in-law, "Go back each of you to your mother's house. May God deal kindly with you, as you have dealt with the dead and with me.
God grant that you may find security, each of you in the house of your husband." Then she kissed them, and they wept aloud.
They said to her, "No, we will return with you to your people."
But Naomi said, "Turn back, my daughters, why will you go with me? Do I still have sons in my womb that they may become your husbands?
Turn back, my daughters, go your way, for I am too old to have a husband. Even if I thought there was hope for me, even if I should have a husband tonight and bear sons, would you then wait until they were grown? Would you then refrain from marrying? No, my daughters, it has been far more bitter for me than for you, because the hand of God has turned against me."
Then they wept aloud again. Orpah kissed her mother-in-law, but Ruth clung to her.
So she said, "See, your sister-in-law has gone back to her people and to her gods; return after your sister-in-law."
But Ruth said, "Do not press me to leave you or to turn back from following you! Where you go, I will go; Where you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God.
Where you die, I will die-- there will I be buried. May God do thus and so to me, and more as well, if even death parts me from you!"
When Naomi saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more to her.

Mark 12:28-34
One of the scribes came near and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, he asked him, "Which commandment is the first of all?"
Jesus answered, "The first is, 'Hear, O Israel: the Creator our God, theCreator is one; you shall love your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.'
The second is this, 'You shall love your neighbour as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these."
Then the scribe said to him, "You are right, Teacher; you have truly said that 'God is one, and besides God there is no other'; and 'to love God with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the strength,' and 'to love one's neighbour as oneself,' --this is much more important than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices."

When Jesus saw that he answered wisely, he said to him, "You are not far from the Realm of God." After that no one dared to ask him any question.

***

"Do not press me to leave you or to turn back from following you! Where you go, I will go; Where you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God.
Where you die, I will die-- there will I be buried. May God do thus and so to me, and more as well, if even death parts me from you!"

These are the well-known words spoken by Ruth to her mother-in-law as she commits to joining her in her walk through life. Ruth, as we have heard, was a Moabite who married an Israelite man, Naomi’s son. When Naomi’s husband and sons die, she and her two daughters are left destitute. It is no exaggeration so say that widows were considered the least important people in Ancient Near Eastern society. Women’s purpose was as wives and mothers. Ruth and Naomi were no longer either. To add to that, Naomi was an outsider and knew that the right thing to do was to return to her homeland alone and live in Jerusalem amongst her people. Her two daughters-in-law respond very differently to this. After some initial objections, Orpah realises that it is sensible for her to return to Moab and she kisses Naomi goodbye and leaves. Ruth, on the other hand, refuses to hear of it. We are told that she “clings” to her mother-in-law. She will not be parted from someone she has come to love as part of her family. I honestly think that Ruth’s speech to Naomi is one of the most moving in the Old Testament. Think about what she was giving up in order to stay with her mother-in-law. Firstly, she had to leave the place she had grown up and been married, along with whatever family she had there. It was not common to travel, she had no idea what sort of land she was heading to, she took a chance to stay with someone she cared deeply about.

In the course of this life-changing decision she also acknowledges that she will make changes to her faith tradition. In the ancient near east there were many gods and traditions. There were many ways to worship each god. Even those who accepted Yahweh as God chose to worship in many different ways until the common acceptance and practice of Deuteronomical and Levitical law. The god worshipped by the Moabites was Chemosh, who Ruth turned her back on in order to embrace the God of Naomi’s people, the God we know as the one true God. This statement of faith and love is so profound that it continues to be used in wedding services across the world.

Ruth and Naomi committed their lives to each other. Ruth became known as “Naomi’s woman” when they were living together, and when Ruth was married to Boaz and had a child, that child was born not just to Ruth and Boaz but also to Naomi. The relationship they model is beautiful and profound. Whether it is a mother-daughter relationship, a romantic friendship or a sexual relationship honestly doesn’t matter to me. It is important to acknowledge that their relationship models so many types of love, that they had a profound affection for each other and lived as a family. It is important to acknowledge the possibility that they intentionally lived as a married couple. But this is not to say that Ruth and Naomi’s relationship validates LGBT relationships through history. This is not to say that our worth in relationship – friendly, sexual or romantic – comes entirely from Ruth and Naomi’s worth, from the fact that God blessed David and Jonathan or from the baptism of the Ethiopian eunuch. All of these people have been looked to by the LGBT faith community as powerful and positive role models, and they are. But they do not provide the validation for us. All that provides validation for who we are is God’s love for us and our love for the people of God. To put our faith in anything else, whether it is Biblical or not – is a form of idolatry. Your worth in God’s eyes is neither enhanced nor diminished by our ancestors.

Shema Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad.

Hear O Israel Adonai our God Adonai is one. Adonai is the Hebrew word for God that we often translate as Lord, but it has a suggestion of possession and relationship in it, it means “my ruler”. Jesus instructs his followers in tonight’s gospel reading that there is one commandment that is the first of all and it is this one. The second is to love your neighbour – and we know from other readings that that means everyone; there is no one on this earth who is not my neighbour. This love is the love that Ruth had for Naomi, a love that values yourself and others equally, a love that accepts the God of Israel as our God and the One true God, because we can only love God by loving and cherishing each other.

As a community, we stood together in a powerful display of love and faith on Friday night. As many of you will know, recorded instances of homophobic abuse and violence are rising year on year as other forms of hate crime are recorded less frequently. Whilst we hope and pray that this is due to the LGBT community having the courage to name our persecution, there is always a doubt in the backs of our minds. A month ago, on September 25th, a man named Ian Baynham was attacked by three young people. He was beaten so savagely that he was unable to survive and on the 13^th October he died. A week ago, just over a month later, a young trainee policeman named James Parkes was attacked in Liverpool. He remains in a critical condition. On Friday night we gathered in Trafalgar Square to honour Ian, James, and the other victims of homophobic hate crime. David Morley, who survived the Soho nail bomb attack ten years ago and was then murdered on the Embankment; Jody Dubrowski whose only crime was to be openly gay; 18-year-old Michael Causer who was beaten at a house party in Merseyside. None of these people needed or deserved to die. Not one of them died out of the sight of God, who weeps to see people in pain. Not one of them was forgotten or forsaken. We love them, and the number of people who showed up to honour their memories is a testament to that.

“Love your neighbour as yourself, there is no commandment greater.”

Love your neighbour as yourself, as Ruth loved Naomi, as Christ loved his disciples and continues to love us. Who is my neighbour? The Good Samaritan – who rescued a Jewish man who’d been beaten up and abandoned by those who should have cared for them – is certainly my neighbour. What of the men who beat up the Jewish traveller? Well, they are my neighbours also, and although their actions came from a place of ignorance and hate I care for them. The young woman who attacked Ian Baynham in Trafalgar Square is also my neighbour. We are called not just to love the martyrs, or the people who stick up for us, that is not enough. Ruth loved Naomi, a foreigner. The Good Samaritan cared for a Jew, his enemy. We must love those who have persecuted us. We bless them, we know that they are called by name by the same God who called and loved us. What they have done, what they have said, what the world has taught them to believe in hate, none of that is who they are. They are called beloved just as we are. God will forgive them their sins when he forgives us ours. There is nothing – nothing – that we can do to separate ourselves from the love of our one God.

There is a story in Judaism about a learned Rabbi – Rabbi Hillel – who was once approached by a gentile. This gentile said to him, “Rabbi, I will convert to Judism here and now if you can teach the Torah to me standing on one leg”. Hillel did this. He stood on one leg and said very clearly, "What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow”, then putting his leg back down and standing as usual he faced the man and said, “this is the whole Law; the rest is the explanation; go and learn.” As a community, we witness so much hate. From the antagonistic looks we get in the street to the people who call us dykes, poofs, queers and trannies. The people who spit at our feet and the people who use violence against us. The people who protest at Pride and the people who enter the parade to make trouble. They are mistaken, they are wrong, and we must correct them. And we correct them not with further violence, not with threats, not by suppressing their freedom to speak. We correct with love, we correct by living the gospel of Christ. To those who call us perverts, we show a pure love, the blessed love of our Biblical ancestors, and we remind them that the words of the marriage service are the words of one woman to another. We say that there is no fear in love, and that the first and greatest commandment is to love one another. We face them in love, proudly and boldly showing how we love our partners – whatever gender we and they are – and we embrace our persecutors. We stand facing them and say, we love you, you are our neighbours.

This is my challenge to you today; a challenge that comes from Jesus himself. Know your worth in God’s eyes. Know that it is not dependent on how the world sees you, it is not dependent on being able to find others like you who are loved by God, God, Adonai, Abba, loves you because you’re so special. You were created unique, every hair on your head and ridge in your fingerprint. Every mistake you have ever made is wiped out, every tear dried and every right move celebrated. When you hear the many names of God and bless them you are in turn blessed. You are called to then fulfil the second commandment Jesus gave and to pass that blessing on to others by showing them love. When someone calls you a name in the street, bless them. When someone tells you that something or other is “so gay”, correct them gently and lovingly as Christ would. Protest by all means – Christ would, Christ would not be letting his people suffer in silence – but never, ever forget to pray and to praise.

"You are not far from the Realm of God"

Truly, we are drawing near to God in this time of adversity. We are a people whose spirit will not be crushed, we are a people who refuse to be downtrodden. We are the army of God and we fight all forms of injustice. But we do not fight with the weapons used against us, instead we disarm and bring peace and love. That, truly, is our calling. That is what we must do to glorify God and in doing so we embody the love of Ruth and Naomi, we act out the commandments to love one another. When we do this and we are motivated by the love of God for all people, we are truly close to seeing the Realm of God.

Hear, all people, Adonai your God, Adonai is one.
Alleluia! Amen.

No to Hate Crime vigil, Trafalgar Square, 30th October 2009
(c) Paul A. Brown

What's it all for?

2009-10-26T07:13:00.001Z

So, in (yet another) bid to actually communicate with the world, I am stringing up my virtual baked bean tin once again to reach out to y'all.

I have been having a small existential crisis with my blog, and wondering what to use it for, and I realised that the main reason I never post anything is because I'm self-conscious. So I am going to throw caution to the wind and endeavour to take more time blogging. I have even searched through the depths of my hard-drive for an archive of sermons, preached at Trinity United Reform Church and MCC North London (both in Camden Town) and some reflections.

How's my drivelling? - Private Eye

Audio file: Not Ashamed?

2009-09-14T07:25:00.000+01:00

A recording of a sermon originally preached at MCC North London on Sunday, 13th September 2009.

Sermon title: Not ashamed?

Preacher: Kate Rowley

Not ashamed 130909 sound bite Sermon sound bites

Not ashamed?

2009-09-14T05:00:00.000+01:00

Preached at MCC North London on Sunday, 13th September 2009.

James 3:1-12

Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers and sisters, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness.

For all of us make many mistakes. Anyone who makes no mistakes in speaking is perfect, able to keep the whole body in check with a bridle.

If we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we guide their whole bodies.

Or look at ships: though they are so large that it takes strong winds to drive them, yet they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs.

So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great exploits. How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire!

And the tongue is a fire. The tongue is placed among our members as a world of iniquity; it stains the whole body, sets on fire the cycle of nature, and is itself set on fire by hell.

For every species of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by the human species, but no one can tame the tongue--a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

With it we bless our God and Parent, and with it we curse those who are made in the likeness of God.

From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this ought not to be so.

Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and brackish water?

Can a fig tree, my brothers and sisters, yield olives, or a grapevine figs? No more can salt water yield fresh.

Mark 8:27-38

Jesus went on with his disciples to the villages of Caesarea Philippi; and on the way he asked his disciples, "Who do people say that I am?"

And they answered him, "John the Baptist; and others, Elijah; and still others, one of the prophets."

He asked them, "But who do you say that I am?" Peter answered him, "You are the Messiah."

And he sternly ordered them not to tell anyone about him.

Then he began to teach them that the Son of Man must undergo great suffering, and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes, and be killed, and after three days rise again.

He said all this quite openly. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him.

But turning and looking at his disciples, he rebuked Peter and said, "Get behind me, Satan! For you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things."

He called the crowd with his disciples, and said to them, "If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.

For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake, and for the sake of the gospel, will save it.

For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life?

Indeed, what can they give in return for their life?

Those who are ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of them the Son of Man will also be ashamed when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels."

***

I want to start by looking at the reading from James this week, particularly the opening sentence. James says this; “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers and sisters, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness.” Fantastic. I’m sure the other preachers, clergy, PGCE students and NQTs in the room squirmed just as I did when I read that. I really had to think long and hard about it; what is this reading saying to me right now? What should I be thinking about in my relationship with God right now? Who should teach, and what gives us that authority?

In MCC, we believe that everyone is called to minister, and I do believe that wholeheartedly. I’ve preached before about the fact that whenever we do anything outside ourselves that is Christ-centred and others-centred, we are ministering. That could be helping someone cross the street or giving a friend a hand moving house, or you may do it day-to-day in your workplace. But we all do it differently. We are all made in the image of God but none of us can *be* God. We have different aspects to our personalities that reflect God’s glory and when we stand together as a church – ekklesia, assembly – we reflect a full range of talents. But I would like to respectfully correct the writer of James. Scholars think that James was from the Jewish teaching classes, and would have been eligible to become a teacher by virtue of his background and education. So his anthropology is very much that not everyone is called to be a teacher. He was also expressing concern at the sheer range and diversity of teachings and teachers around in the early church, which was a time of controversy and theological uncertainty. So I would just break his comments down a little further and say that not everyone is called to teach as a vocation. I do believe that each of us is empowered and called out to teach at different times in our lives, as group leaders, as parents and siblings and as friends.

But the challenge is to know when to teach, and what to say. To speak on the word of God is a tremendous privilege which we have all been granted, but it is not to be taken lightly. I find that I get asked about my faith a lot, particularly in the LGBT community. And those questions are not flippant, or unimportant. How we express our faith and how we talk about our faith is the very real way in which we introduce Christ to other people and that is not an easy thing to do. If we are disingenuous or ashamed of what we are saying, if we are conscious that it is not very cool at the moment to be Christian or scared that we are addressing someone who has a problem with faith, it’s too easy to stumble, oversimplify, or to try to adapt our faith to suit what they want to hear; we dilute the message to get people to listen to us or to come to our church and that is dangerous. We are judged harshly on how we teach because it shows what we think of God.

And Jesus won’t stand for false teaching, not from anyone. His dialogue with Peter in Mark is a fascinating example of this. Peter has come to recognise that Jesus is more than “another prophet”. Peter has come to the realisation that Jesus is the Messiah – the anointed one of God come to deliver the Jewish people – and rather than praising him for his insight, Jesus asks them to tell no one. He recognises that Peter does not yet have the insight to share this news, and that his understanding of Jesus’ nature will not be well-received by the majority whom he is teaching. Rather than allow misinformation to go out, Jesus asks him to keep quiet. In a few verses time we see why. Although Peter has understood that Jesus is the Messiah, he has not understood the full reality of that. Faced with the possibility of Jesus being put to death, Peter is scared. He doesn’t want to hear it so he tries to get Jesus to change his tune, not to talk about it. We don’t know what he said, or what his motivation was, but he was contradicting God. He was trying to say that he knew better. And in four words, Jesus knocks him back, “Get behind me, Satan!”. Peter confesses the messiah on one hand and then speaks false teaching on the other.

When we come to church, we confess Jesus as Messiah, as God and Lord. We sing hymns and praises in His name and we ask for intercession for those we love in His name. We say that to see the face of God we need to love one another, and we confess the times we have sinned against each other. We recognise Jesus in each other. We are like Peter at the moment of revelation, filled with knowledge of the nature of Jesus and the reality of the sacrifice of God in Christ. It is joyful and wonderful, and the last thing on our mind is to be ashamed of Christ, of the words of the Bible or of our faith. But something changes when we walk out of these doors. We almost immediately start to speak differently, we view each other differently. The same tongues we used to praise God’s name and to speak holy truths we use to speak ill of each other, to enter into games of one-upmanship and to gossip. We don’t see Christ in each other any more, we complain about the flaws in other people that we ourselves possess because they are what make us human. We presume to judge other people’s sins when we have not had the grace to recognise and fully confess our own.

And let’s be honest about the word sin, and the idea of sin. We are blessed, sitting here, because many of us have only been able to come to this place through years of prayer, reflection and theological study. We have examined the Bible and the claims of others critically as they concern human sexuality and come to the glorious revelation that a sexual identity – and the act of living it out, whatever it may be – is not sinful. It’s a “messiah” moment. A moment of pure, wonderful realisation. But do we, like Peter, sometimes take that revelation too far? Just as Peter thought that his understanding of Jesus’ nature meant that Christ wouldn’t have to die, do we sometimes think that because we are not judged and condemned on our sexual orientation that we don’t need to think about sin? But it is still present in our lives, it is a fact of our humanity and free will. Sin separates us from the love of God; it is anything that we do to ourselves or to other people that is for our own glory or our own fulfilment at the expense of expressing the love of Jesus. We sin against ourselves and God when we undervalue our lives, talents and deny God’s call. We sin against others – who are all made in the image of God – when we ignore them, speak badly of them or deliberately provoke conflict with other people. Even the times when we don’t do it consciously, when we, like Peter, think we are doing the right thing.

We come together every week before Communion to confess our sins to God, but do we ever truly think about the impact of what has happened in our lives in the week? Do we even acknowledge most of the sins we commit on a daily basis? When we laugh at someone to fit in, or tell a joke that alienates people, or refuse the chance to share the love of Jesus with someone else we have sinned against God. When we hear a call on our lives and we ignore it, for whatever reason, we have sinned against God. And when we sin against God by devaluing other people or by underselling our faith in Jesus we are harming our relationship with God and we are putting a stumbling block in the way of someone else’s faith. We are separating not only ourselves, but also another person whose faith and salvation should be as dear to us as our own, from the love of God and that is inexcusable. When we speak the words of God and confess our faith with our mouths but our actions reveal that our hearts and minds reject God’s law, we misrepresent Christ into the world. We become as Satan to them, that is, as the one who denies the words and works of God.

We were made in the glory of God but we do all tend towards what Paul calls the sinful nature. We can acknowledge this, but we need not – indeed, we should not – embrace it. Instead we need to take time and use our God-given spirit of discernment to understand from where our actions are coming. Are they of the world, are they from a desire to conform and to fit in? If they are, they are not from God. Christians can’t live our lives fitting in. We are not called to fit in; we are called to stand out. It’s a glorious calling but it isn’t easy. It is not a new thing, or a modern thing, for Christians to be rejected by our peers. We have always been seen as ignorant, or misguided, Richard Dawkins is hardly the first! These days it is popular to assume that Christians are incapable of rational thought, that we cannot be intelligent or show empathy to others. It takes great strength to stand up for God and for the gospel, and to recognise when we sin. It takes soul-searching and a deep dependence on the power of the Holy Spirit living within us. Then we can go out and shout the gospel of Jesus, and share the love, peace and grace of Christ. Then we can go out and live the gospel, and show the way of Christ. Then we can bring Christ to the world that doesn’t know him. Just as a badly-placed word can start a fire of unbelief and rejection, the right word can quench the fire and bring salvation to a world that needs the tangible love of Christ.

You are blessed people, go and shout forth the blessing into the world. Do not be ashamed of the gospel, but speak the truth of Jesus and praise Him to all the world. When you are called to speak, or to teach, do so in a spirit of discernment, not for your glory but for the glory of God. Confess your sins faithfully, and ask for the forgiveness that God wants to hand down. If there is something you are holding on to, that you feel is so bad you don’t think God will forgive you, let it go. Bring it to God tonight and start afresh. If you confess and accept the forgiveness freely given, you are free to go into the world and be not ashamed, be ashamed neither of yourself nor of the gospel of Christ; go into the streets and praise Him!

Amen.

The importance of fellowship

2009-09-03T00:01:00.001+01:00

For the MCC North London newsletter

I was lucky enough to visit the Greenbelt festival this weekend with a number of other members of the church. It was my first festival experience (and only second Christian holiday, the other was whilst I was still at school) and I was a little bit wary. I think I expected factional infighting, guilt-inducing discussions and sermons and lots of socks and sandals! I was looking forward to it, but with some nerves.

So it was a relief to arrive on Friday night and realise that I didn’t stand out like a complete freak, the talks and worship planned looked fantastic and there were loads of craft stalls to look at longingly! From Sixpence None the Richer on Friday to Athlete on Monday via talks by Bishop Gene Robinson, Sami Awad and worship from Tim Hughes to Taizé it was a complete whirlwind of a weekend. But the most important lesson I learned from the weekend didn’t come from a single talk, worship set or performance. Instead, it was an unspoken theme of the time I spent at Cheltenham.

Fractures in the church come from all sorts of places, and are nothing new. From the early councils (Nicea in 325 was convened to combat the heresy of Arianism) to the creation of Gafcon (the Global Anglican Future Conference / Federation of Confessing Anglicans) in the wake of Gene Robinson’s consecration as the openly gay Bishop of New Hampshire. These factions and splits cause nothing but pain and heartache. Even when the grievances are genuine and deeply felt, both sides are hurt. Following Christ authentically means that we have to make sacrifices, but when doing this is causing pain to others as well as forcing us into sacrifices, is it authentic? It is Christ-like to build your own opinions and theology up to such an extent that others are destroyed?

By contrast, when we work together in faith amazing things happen. Conflict is part of life, and it is human nature to want life to be fair. We see what others have, how they are treated, and we want that. But life isn’t fair, and being Christian or spending time with Christians doesn’t change that. Church isn’t perfect, because we aren’t perfect. But we can learn to do the right thing. We need each other, we need to be in unity with other. It is important that we safeguard our own needs by asking for help when we need it and taking the support we are offered, and it is equally important that we offer help and support to other people in pain and not to turn your back on people or communities that need you. You don’t get back what you put in; life isn’t like that. You do get back what you need, by the grace of God and in the love of your community.

The peace and grace of Christ be with us all.

Cheltenham Race Course in the fog, GB09

Manna from Heaven

2009-08-17T05:43:00.000+01:00

Preached at Trinity URC and MCC North London, both Camden Town, on Sunday 16th August 2009.

Ephesians 5:15-20

Be careful then how you live, not as unwise people but as wise, making the most of the time, because the days are evil.

So do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

Do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery; but be filled with the Spirit, as you sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, singing and making melody to the Lord in your hearts giving thanks to God the Father at all times and for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

John 6:51-58

"I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats of this bread will live forever; and the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh."

The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, "How can this man give us his flesh to eat?" So Jesus said to them, "Very truly, I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Those who eat my flesh and drink my blood have eternal life, and I will raise them up on the last day; for my flesh is true food and my blood is true drink. Those who eat my flesh and drink my blood abide in me, and I in them. Just as the living Parent sent me, and I live because of the Parent, so whoever eats me will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like that which your ancestors ate, and they died. But the one who eats this bread will live forever."

***
I have a small confession to make. It’s taken me a long time to learn to love the Bible. I grew up in a non-Christian household for most of my life (although we went to church when I was small, and I have never forgotten the most important lesson of Sunday School – how to make a palm tree out of a piece of old newspaper!), and became a Christian at the grand old age of fifteen.

Eight years later, I still sometimes wonder if I’ve quite got the hang of this Christianity malarkey. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear from a preacher so bear with me and I’ll try to make up for it! The thing is; I’m not always that keen on the Bible. I spent a lot of time having pretty negative encounters with Scripture. To paraphrase the fabulous Kit and the Widow, I was convinced that Leviticus was just written a bigot having a bit of a rant. I dismissed all of the writings of St. Paul, thinking that they fell into a broadly similar category. A lot of the Bible didn’t seem to agree with my view of, and experience of, God. So many of the rules seemed irrelevant – I don’t know anyone who seriously has concerns about wearing wool-linen mix, and it’s been a while since I saw anyone attempt to stone an adulterer or buy a slave. It seemed as though there was too much time given over to long lists of don’ts, discussions of out-moded gender models and contradiction.

And it seems that this is a lot of people’s view of the Bible. I recently read a fantastic memoir by a man named A.J. Jacobs. He is agnostic but was brought up in a Jewish household, decided to spend a year living “Biblically”. That is that he attempted to follow every commandment laid out in the Bible, beginning with the 613 mitzvot, or commandments, that are found in the Old Testament. He invited an orthodox man into his home to analyse the fibre content of all his clothing – apparently it’s only mixing wool and linen that’s forbidden, by the way – wore a white tunic, grew a beard so unruly that people avoided him in the street and painted scripture on his door frame. (Incidentally, there’s a picture here showing him on the last day of the project.) He even had his sons circumcised and approached an adulterer in Central Park to gently throw a couple of pebbles at him. All in the name of research. The response to his project from other people was fascinating. The beard and while robes – not to mention the wooden staff from eBay – made him look more religious. People avoided him on the subway, and every waking moment was spent wondering if he had accidentally broken any rules in the last five minutes. He spent so much time following rules it begins to look like he has no time to live. I’ll come back to him later.

Take tonight’s reading from Ephesians; it just reads as a telling-off, the author sounds like a kill-joy, something of a puritan. Don’t drink, don’t be stupid, don’t act up, don’t make a fool of yourself. It reads like one of the tedious etiquette guides from the last century that are endlessly reprinted as novelty gifts. It stands in sharp contract to tonight’s gospel reading. In Jesus’ teaching, there is nothing that sounds like traditional Jewish law. Nothing, in fact, that sounds like any contemporary law. Jesus’ world, an area of the middle east that is now, broadly, Jerusalem, the West Bank of Israel and Palestine, was ruled over by the Roman empire, under the jurisdiction of King Herod and the local Roman governor. Cultures converged on Jerusalem, Latin and Aramaic were spoken equally, and the learned were literate in Greek. But no religion, no philosophy, could ever prepare those present to hear what Jesus had to say. Listen to the words of Jesus again, imagine hearing this for the first time.

“I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats of this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world…
Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them. Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven. Your ancestors ate manna and died, but whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.”

It’s just surreal. Firstly, there is someone who is very clearly flesh and blood claiming to be “living bread”. What does that mean? He also claims to be the Son of God, so who is God? Have we unknowingly eaten God every time we munch on a sandwich? Was the heavenly manna actually the flesh of God? More to the point, is he asking us to eat him? And drinking his blood? There must be a law against that – is Jesus kosher? Does he have self-renewing flesh or something? This is science-fiction stuff, really, the stuff of nightmares.

And if that’s what was perplexing those present who accepted Jesus’ divinity, what on earth must the people around have been thinking if they didn’t believe Jesus was the Son of God. It is almost impossible to understand this from a modern perspective, but even today there are scores of polemical essays claiming that Christians validate cannibalism by the very act of Communion. But that’s not what’s going on here. Jesus in John’s gospel spends a lot of time discussing His nature and pointing to His death and the arrival of the Holy Spirit. This discussion is a clear precursor to the first communion at the Last Supper, the following Passover. It also begins to point to the idea that we call the trinity, Jesus is talking about taking in an aspect of God as today we call upon and take in the Holy Spirit.

So, to contrast the two texts again, we have two contrasting images of Christianity. The first is a traditional, almost puritanical view. The emphasis is on law, the laws of Moses in Leviticus, the book of Deuteronomy (Greek – the second law), the laws cited by St. Paul and by Jesus himself. But that is a very one-dimensional view of Christianity. If I could return for a moment to A.J. Jacobs and his tremendous beard, he set out only to follow the law. He was interested in the motivations of those who followed the laws, and unsure whether he would feel any spiritual connection. He was particularly challenged by the commandment to “love the Lord, Your God”. Loving your neighbour, yes, he could do that. Have no other gods, well, yes, being agnostic is helpful there. Not making graven images was a challenge on family holidays with his wife and a camera but on the whole it was fine. Until he discovered the commandment that makes the Bible more than just another rule book. The Bible points us to a connection to the divine; it leads us to Christ, to God and the Holy Spirit. Law is not distinct from a connection to God. It is an important part of our connection to God. Jesus, who brought the spirit, also re-affirmed the law. In the opening of John’s gospel, in the very first verse, Jesus is referred to as the logos, which is a wonderfully ambiguous Greek word. It means word, meaning and has even been translated as law (although we don’t ever see it used as a term for secular law).

The joy of this passage in John, for me, is the connection between the spirit, the law / text of the Bible, and the body. Like the Law, the body is often separated from the spirit. Since the middle ages, we have been taught that the tangible, the ‘real world’ is base and ugly and distinct from the glorious realm of God. St Paul, in one of his other letters, complains that his body doesn’t do as his spirit wants to, that he is unable to live up to the way he wants to live. It is one of the perils of being human that we can’t live up to who we want to be, and being Christian doesn’t change that. We are used to associating the body with the Law, not the spirit. The desires of the body are associated with sinfulness, from overeating to sexual immorality. And the world confirms this. A glance at a television or at a magazine cover will tell you that your body is all wrong. That you aren’t eating the right things, aren’t exercising properly, aren’t the right shape for this season’s fashions. The body has become associated in the secular world with guilt and shame.

But we know that we are made in the image of God (Ps. 139 – “I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made). Of all God’s creations, humans were made in the image of God. Everything about us is sacred and cared for. This gospel passage follows on directly from John’s telling of the feeding of the crowds – it is so important to be fed by the Word of God, but Jesus cares for our physical wellbeing and nourishes those present in a clear nod towards what was to come. Jesus also alludes to the Exodus, when the Jewish people were isolated in the desert, between Egypt and their promised land. During this time of isolation, when they were wandering in exile because they had turned against God, their bodies were still cared for when God sent manna from heaven. Not just a little bit of dry bread and water that would sustain them, but the most wonderful, sweet manna that tasted of honey and enough every 6th day to give us a feast. That’s not a God that sees out bodies as vehicles, or our earthly life as a base precursor for a glorious afterlife. That’s not a God that views desire and pleasure as sinful.

So the call to feed on Jesus’ body is fulfilling both a spiritual need and a physical one. In Communion, there is a spiritual experience that connects us to Jesus and also instantly to Christians throughout history and to the Jewish commemoration of the Exodus. The word Eucharist is from a Greek root and translates as “thanksgiving”. In taking the Eucharist we are giving thanks for the life of Christ, as well as reaffirming out commitment to giving our lives and spirits to Christ in the here and now. Communion is a time to take stock of our lives and a reminder that we have a shared humanity with each other and with Jesus. It is a reminder that our lives and our bodies belong to Christ, and that God is the one who protects and feeds our souls and our bodies. Jesus, the logos, fulfils the law, embodies human perfection and leads us to be one in the name of God who sustains us. So when you come to take Communion, stop and think about what you are doing. This is not an empty ritual, but the very embodiment of the Christian faith and a reminder of God’s love which is given lavishly to each of us.

Amen.

Response to the shooting in Tel Aviv

2009-08-06T19:12:00.000+01:00

From the MCC North London newsletter

A lot of us were at Brighton Pride on Saturday, enjoying the rain and the carnival atmosphere. People like me, who had never been before, were marvelling at how open everything was, how people marched with their families and the whole town seemed to turn out. There was no visible counter-protest and it was incredibly liberating to be a part of something like that.

But then, when I came home, it was like a rude awakening. I turned my laptop on and saw the following: Two killed in shooting at Tel Aviv gay centre. It seemed unreal.

I flew to Tel Aviv in December, and spent 6 days travelling around Israel. I was struck by the atmosphere of Tel Aviv. Whereas Jerusalem was defined by boundaries and quarters, where you could tell the culture of an area by the language displayed on the buses travelling there, Tel Aviv felt more like a part of London. Languages mixed in the street, menus reflected cultures converging, and there is evidence of a small, but busy, gay scene. My friends who live and spend time in Israel talk about Tel Aviv as a haven for LGBT people who have suffered discrimination in the more religious areas of the country, and it felt like that to me as a visitor.

I was encouraged that by the time I found out, only a few hours after the shooting occurred, there were already people gathering to hold vigil outside the centre in memory of 26-year-old Nir Katz and 16-year-old Liz Tarboushi, and the 13 others who were injured. The man dressed in black, wearing a mask and carrying a gun, who inflicted all this terror on the community, seems to have acted alone in an act of violence. The community who were devastated, however, stood as one body of many parts amidst this violence to pray for peace and bless the memories of those they have lost.

And it is the image of the Israeli LGBT community and their allies standing together in peace that gives me hope. The responses of Israeli politicians, who unanimously condemn the shootings as hate crime, remind us that society is moving on. Individuals may hold on to their hate, and this can devastate us, but we have solidarity and we have our allies. Most of all, we have the strength of the God of Israel and of Jesus Christ, who called Israel His home. We pray for peace in Israel, for reconciliation of communities of different religious and cultural affiliations and for strength for the young people of Israel to be who they are and to continue to stand as one against hate in all its forms.

REVM

2009-07-10T05:50:00.001+01:00

As many of you know, a month ago I attended MCC's Readiness to Enter Vocational Ministry (REVM) retreat in Slumber Falls, New Braunfels, Texas. Situated on the Guadalupe River, the retreat centre provided the perfect location for reflection and meditation. For me, having travelled from London, it was more than just physically distant from home. Everything about Texas was strange and new, right down to the very large tarantula that made its home outside our meeting room.

There were 19 delegates at REVM, from MCC churches across the United States, as well as Leti from Edinburgh and me. We gathered together as strangers and spent three exhausting days reading, meditating, discussing everything from the nature of God and the church to the beautiful scenery and the joys of British comedy. All of us are at different stages on the same journey and it was wonderful to be able to hear other people discuss their journeys. The other attendees were a joy and the wisdom of the faculty was a trememdous blessing.

Whilst I was out there, I spent a lot of time meditating on the nature of calling. As we were settling in, on our first afternoon at Slumber Falls, we listened to a chant with the following lyrics; I am a hole in the flute, that the Christ's breath moves through. Listen to the music, listen to the music. To me, these lines struck at the heart of what it means to walk this path towards ordained ministry. Learning to minister feels a lot like learning to play music, or to sing. When you take the time to relax and listen, something wonderful happens. When you learn not to just play your instrument but to really hear and channel the music, it can sound beautiful and is a real gift to everyone listening. Likewise, to really speak authentically through the spirit you need to be the instrument of the spirit, the breath, of God. You are not the musician or the composer, rather you are blessed with the opportunity to be the instrument. Sometimes the tune comes naturally, the cadenza in a concerto, and sometimes it is a real struggle, like practicing your scales. It takes discipline to learn to respond to the spirit and to speak authentically, and some days it seems almost impossible, but it is always worth the effort for the blessing that comes from being a conduit for the spirit.

You are all instruments of God, thank you for your music.

The Guadalupe River at Camp Slumber Falls, New Braunfels, TX

Peace! Have you still no faith?

2009-06-21T20:00:00.000+01:00

Preached at Trinity URC and MCC North London, both in Camden Town, 21st June 2009

Job 38:1-11

Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind:

"Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?
Gird up your loins like a man, I will question you, and you shall declare to me.

"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements--surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone when the morning stars sang together and all the heavenly beings shouted for joy?

"Or who shut in the sea with doors when it burst out from the womb?-- when I made the clouds its garment, and thick darkness its swaddling band, and prescribed bounds for it, and set bars and doors, and said, 'Thus far shall you come, and no farther, and here shall your proud waves be stopped'?"

Mark 4:35-41

On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, "Let us go across to the other side." And leaving the crowd behind, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. Other boats were with him. A great windstorm arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that the boat was already being swamped. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke him up and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" He woke up and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" Then the wind ceased, and there was a dead calm. He said to them, "Why are you afraid? Have you still no faith?" And they were filled with great awe and said to one another, "Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?"

***

It’s been an eventful couple of weeks, I bring greetings from MCC Austin, TX, the Office of Formation and Leadership development, 19 MCC churches represented at REVM and of course MCCBE, Clinton Crawshaw and Leon Huton. It always does me good to visit churches in our communion and see just what MCC is capable of; what strength, joy, faith and fellowship we can share with one another.

These few verses in Mark have all the tension and drama of a major Hollywood blockbuster condensed into a few short verses. We see Jesus, the big-time celebrity, climbing into his chauffeur-driven vehicle to escape the crowds (well, it’s a fishing boat, but bear with me). Then, horror of horrors, a crisis begins. The storm clouds gather, the others in the boat begin to look worried. We know they are experienced sailors, fishermen even. They know these waters; their livelihoods depend on their ability to successfully cross a lake in any conditions, but they are clearly worried. Rain is pelting down from all sides, they are caught in the most terrible winds, and they can see waves crashing down on all sides. The tension builds as the little wooden fishing boat containing out hero and his underdog companions is thrown across the waters. It is dark, we can barely make them out, and the soundtrack is full of dramatic chords in the strings and violent percussion. The audience is on the edge of their seats, but something is wrong. In the middle of all that violence, and drama and chaos, we realise we haven’t seen Jesus for a while. Where is he? Has he fallen out unnoticed? What is going on? Then one of the disciples moves to the front of the boat. Jesus is lying, motionless. Surely something has happened to him? How could he fail to be woken up by all the commotion? One of the disciples – we don’t know who but I think the smart money is on Peter – wakes him, desperate for some help. “Master,” he says, “do you not care that we are perishing?” Jesus’ response is puzzling. He is little more than irritated at the response. In something of an anticlimax, we get a small gesture, a word of peace and a rebuke (“Have you still no faith?”) and the water is calm.

So, Hollywood would be disappointed. Imagine the re-write if that was how The Perfect Storm, Titanic or the Poseidon Adventure had been drafted! You see the director, wince “well, it’s good, Mark, but it’s lacking that punch. You ruin the tension, it’s over too quickly. Can’t you kill off a minor character in the early parts of the storm? One of those saints no one knows the name of, or one of the brothers, just to build up the tension? Then give Jesus some doubt. Some really scary doubt, like he doesn’t know if he can do it and then all of a sudden – BAM! Do you see what I’m saying?”

Thankfully, God doesn’t write Hollywood disaster movies. No one died, because Jesus was with them, and the hand of God was on their voyage. When they set out, they should have know that whatever happened they would be safe. They should have known when the storm started that they could rely on God to get them to the other side. And to an extent they did, but they are only human. Just like the rest of us, they eventually panicked and woke Jesus up. They knew God would keep them safe, but seeing Jesus asleep made them doubt. They thought that they would not be saved unless he woke up and perform a miracle. Jesus knew that this was why they woke him up, and I wonder, to whom did he say, “Peace! Be calm!” According to Mark, it was directed at the sea, but he didn’t need to speak to the see. He could silence the sea by lifting a finger, winking an eye, or just willing it silently. Jesus always speaks as he performs his miracles, and I think that’s because He is speaking words that the spectators need to hear. Speaking to the sea is not what calmed it, but I bet those words had an impact on the disciples. “Peace!” – stop panicking. Stop crying. “Be still!” Stop trying to control the boat. Stop trying to use your own power to keep you safe. God is in control.

Then, once they were calmed down, he asks the big question. “Have you still no faith?” After all they have seen Jesus do, after they left their homes and their livelihoods to follow him, have they still not enough faith to trust him with their lives? It sounds very familiar. Many of us in this room have chosen to lay down our lives and follow Jesus. We may have lost family, friends, even relationships and jobs, to follow Him. Or we may have been fortunate enough to lose nothing but the odd Sunday night, but we profess that we are ready to follow Him. We willingly give up our hearts and souls, we are ready to seek him and to give everything we have. But in my experience we all hold something back.

I am reminded of something that was said to me a few weeks ago by a much wiser person. David Mullatt, who was working with the Office of Formation and Leadership Devpt. on REVM, gave this advice; “It is much easier to be a pastor than to be a Christian”.

It is much easier to be a minister – and we are all ministers, in MCC we believe firmly in the priesthood of all believers – than it is to be a Christian. It is easy to find the words to say to someone when they are distressed, to pray with someone who needs it, than to calm our own spirit, to ask for prayer from someone else, and to spend time alone with God. But although we are called to demonstrate our faith in public it is by living it and not by big gestures and “look-at-me” Christianity. When we make it look like we are giving our all in public, what are we holding back in private?

I struggled for many years with depression. It still comes and goes, but for a long time after I became a Christian I held that depression back from God. I used to think that it represented a failure, and was something that had been given to me as a punishment for being gay. My church didn’t particularly do anything to dissuade me of that belief and it persisted. The longer it went on the more I held back from God. I would ask for prayer about it in public, but when I prayed on my own I persisted in neglecting it. There was a sort of pride in it, my depression was my Cross to Bear, and I let myself be so defined by it that I didn’t see a way that I could carry on living without it.

Eventually, I began to realise that it wasn’t necessary to hide behind an illness in order to be myself. I realised that people didn’t spend time with me because they felt sorry for me, but because they actually liked me. I began to realise that God wasn’t punishing me, and I started to let go. It was the most liberating thing that I have ever done. It was as though I heard God say to me, “Have you still no faith?” Do you think, after all I have done for you, that I can’t lift this burden? Do you honestly believe that just because I seem to be asleep on a cushion I am ignorant of your plight? Did I not tell you I would never leave you? Peace! Be still!”

In the first reading, we heard God say the same thing to Job. I don’t know about you, but I struggle reading the story of Job, so I’ll try to unpick it a little. Job is the central figure in one of the OT books known as the “wisdom books”. Like the Psalms, Proverbs and the Song of Songs, Job is full of allegory and discussion of the nature of God. The book opens with a discussion between God and Satan. I need to make one thing clear, here. Satan in the OT is not a little red man with a pointed tail and horns. He is, in Hebrew, called ha’ satan, which means The Accuser. At the beginning of the story, we hear that Job is an honest, God-fearing man who is good to his family and servants. However, as the narration goes on, Job loses everything. First his children, his servants and his property, and then his health. Throughout the whole ordeal, he continues not just to resign himself to God’s will but to give himself to God gladly and to praise God’s name. After a while, he starts getting visits from friends and from members of his community. Fine, upstanding people whom we would call pillars of the community come to offer comfort. God doesn’t get it wrong, they say. You must have sinned, or maybe your children did. Someone is being punished. Call on God to forgive you and make it right.

After a long time, what must have felt like a lifetime of agony to Job, God decides to answer his prayer. But the answer, as we heard tonight, sounds cryptic and critical to human ears. Listen to the opening of God’s response again; this time in translation from The Message;

Why do you confuse the issue? Why do you talk without knowing what you're talking about?

Pull yourself together! Up on your feet! Stand tall! I have some questions for you, and I want some straight answers. Where were you when I created the earth? Tell me, since you know so much! Who decided on its size? Certainly you'll know that! Who came up with the blueprints and measurements? How was its foundation poured, and who set the cornerstone, while the morning stars sang in chorus and all the angels shouted praise? And who took charge of the ocean when it gushed forth like a baby from the womb? That was me!

Can’t you hear what is being said to Job here? God says, “You might think this is important, but sweetheart this is nothing. I created you. I created the heavens and the earth. And you have no idea what your place in that is, do you? You don’t know how I did it or what you mean to me. That sounds to me an awful lot like what Jesus was saying to his disciples. “Peace! Be still! Have you still no faith?”

No one is denying that Job was fearful of his life. It was all he had left to lose. And the disciples were terrified, they genuinely believed that they were in mortal peril. But what, in reality, does that mean in the great scheme of God’s plan? If we profess with our hearts, minds and bodies that we will stand alongside God in Heaven forever – however you imagine and interpret that – then does it really matter if we lose our lives in this world? There is nothing wrong with being scared, but when that happens the important thing is to look back at God. If you think that all you can see is Jesus asleep, don’t think that means God is ignorant of your plight. Since Pentecost, we have one thing that the disciples didn’t yet have, and that Job could not have imagined. We have an advocate in the form of the Holy Spirit, who lives in us and guides us. Now it is we who can channel the power of God and say to the storm around us, whether it is a literal storm, an illness, a difficult relationship with friends, with Church or with a partner, “Peace! Be still! I have faith!” We can find it in us to get over anything we are faced with. We can also bless those around us with the peace that surpasses all understanding in Jesus Christ and help them to see that there is no storm in this life that is greater than the power of God.

Amen.

A new blog

2009-05-13T23:47:00.002+01:00

So my last attempt at posting here regularlarly was a colossal fail. I have some notes from holidays and things that I may upload and backdate for my own amusement, but otherwise please excuse the 2-year gap!

Things are tremendously exciting at the moment; I am about to go away to the United Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches' Readiness to Enter Vocational Ministry conference (that's MCC REVM to those in the know). I'm very nervous, it could be the start of a wonderful journey.

So I thought I would use this space for general musings of a thoughtful nature. As you do. My work at a student union has given me lots of food for thought over the year about everything from the importance of the welfare state to the frustrating nature of the free press(!), and it's a wonderful self-indulgence to have a bit of webspace to muse aloud into the ether.

So, if you are so inclined, please indulge me in that.